Monday, December 20, 2010

Results and Revelations

I finally received the results for my ultrasound and Pap. Hooray for a healthy reproductive system. So now I can go on with my life ignoring random ghost pains that could be caused by any number of imaginary things. Yay! I feel better.

But on the flip side I feel worse.
Christmas. I don't like it. This whole festive time of year when everything hinges on how much you spend on or get for said people in your life is somehow supposed to translate to love.
It's one of the reasons I chinese theater over jewelry commercials (if a psychologist could see me I'd be locked up in half a heartbeat).
Some people would be correct in calling me a Grinch or a Scrooge. The only thing I find enjoyable about Christmas is the lights and the whole spending a huge meal and laughing your head off with the people you hold dear.

I want to be with the ones I love. Luckily I'll have the one I love the most. But a part of me feels lonely for the people I once had in my everyday life that have gone on. Being a million miles away didn't feel so heavy when there was a host of smiling faces near to block it from my view.
Old habits are hard to break. Emo-ness seems to be the same way. lol

However in my severe distaste for a season which has even deprived me of snow (it's 85 degrees in Texas) I would not dream of holding the joy away from the rest of you.
So Happy Christmas to you all. Have a little extra Merry for me this year.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Thoughts about Love

It's just a word. A word that has an endless depth. A depth greater than any ocean; as vast and as beautiful as the universe itself.
Over time it's meanings in American English have come to encompass any great feeling of happiness or intimacy with something. "I love my new shoes." and "I love my family." Two completely different emotions expressed in the same word.
A word as light as it is dark. One that holds not only the greatest ecstasy for the soul but also the most dire misery. Its dual nature a mystery that has drawn the human race from the beginning. We will never be tired of Love, and Love Lost in some way crushes all who hear of it.
True Love.
Since the simple word Love has come to bear so much English speakers have had to add another word to express the weight and purity of Love. A word that is a facet of God himself; Truth.
A True Love never fails, even when it is lost. A True Love encompasses and accepts all the light and dark of it's deep being. A True Love is the most important part of God. The thing that initiates Sacrifice and Loyalty, Patience and Forgiveness, an embodiment of all that is worth fighting for and through.
True Love.
What everyone yearns for, whether they know it or not.

Jex I don't know if you read this... but for the whole world to see... I Love you, I Truly Love you.

"Death cannot stop True Love, only delay it for a little while." ~Westley (man in black), The Princess Bride

Thursday, December 2, 2010

"We always practice safe ultrasounds."

So, anyone here every had a pelvic ultrasound? Then you will know that it's slightly sick and twisted.
You have to hold your bladder while it's near the breaking point while they push around on your jelly covered lower abdomen with a little device that looks like something out of 'Star Trek' right around where your bladder is. Or at least it feels like they push directly on it.
Then there's the wand. Oh yes, the magic wand of super sonic sound waves. What the ultrasound tech told me as she slid on the protective cover totally made up for me nearly peeing in my pants: "We always practice safe ultrasounds." The older woman said with a silly grin as she slid the suspiciously condom-like cover over the wand.
Totally made my day!
So I get to wait a few days for a call back from the actual Doctor to tell me if he finds anything. For now though I'm content that it's done.
Oh! And I'm getting better! Yay!

Recently I've been thinking about American culture (I'm still getting used to it, and yes there is a BIG difference between American Military Culture and just flat out American Culture. I'll have to tell you about it sometime.) and it occurred to me that it's the only individualist culture I can think of. Now it has me wondering if there are any other individualist cultures other than America. Does anyone know the answer to that?

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

What's Sakin' Bacon?

For those of you who don't know I don't have a kitchen. Even with this I'm expected to make lunch for my husband every day. And this doesn't mean sandwiches (have you seen the price of sandwich meat?! It's stupid!!!) this means a variety of things to keep him from getting bored. So, I've learned to use my rice cooker in new and amazing ways. *hugs rice cooker*

Now that you have a back story I can tell you what's going on. I have to bake some breakfasty stuff for tomorrow, tonight, for Jex to take to work tomorrow. My sweet husband kindly told me all of this during his lunch break today.
Note: I'm also sick.
Lucky for me the price of borrowing my friend's oven is only 3 lemons. While I'm there I think I'll make a little extra of my breakfasty foods for her too.

In other news, tomorrow is my pelvic ultrasound. I've dealt with random stupid pain in my woman part region for something like 5 years. It's gotten less intense and frequent as I've gotten older so I don't think much of it anymore. Low and behold now that I'm 23 people are actually listening to me. It's great I love it!
Everyone lies to you when they say you're an adult at 18. It's almost like 18-24 are the probationary period of adulthood and 25 is when you're finally allowed to ditch the training wheels. But I digress.
Point is that something is finally going to get resolved. Either they're going to find something, or their not and I can assume that I'm crazy or it's gas from here on. In both cases there's closure and I'm so stoked for that!

Has anyone (both of you) who reads my blog ever played a game called 'Kings'?
Waaa~! It's super fun. All you need are drinks (alcoholic or not is up to you, either works fine), a deck of cards, and a large cup or glass for the center of the table.
Let me explain the cards so that you too can play!
King: The first three people to draw a King have to put some of their drink in the center cup, however much they want, and make up a rule for everyone to follow till the next King is drawn (for example: every one must now speak in a dialect, or: no elbows on the table) anyone who forgets the rule has to take a drink. The last person to draw a King has to drink whatever concoction is in the 'Kings Cup' at the center of the table.
Queen: When the Queen is drawn you have to speak in questions to one another, questions that make sense (for example: Is anyone else cold? Is the thermostat even on? Where's my coat? Why haven't you kept track of your coat? Did you even bring your coat? Oh come on who's actually cold? and so on till some one messes up) if you just answer the question you have to drink and the next person draws a card.
Jack: Jackagories (Categories) the person who draws the Jack picks a category like flowers, cars, dog breeds, languages, ect. And starts off with the first one, everyone goes around and says things in the category. You can't say the same thing twice. When it gets to some one who can't think of anything or messes up they drink. next card.
10: Never have I ever. You only hold up three fingers for this one.
9: Rhyme: Simple, go around starting with the person who drew the card and rhyme words till you can't come up with anything else, the person who can't rhyme anymore drinks.
8: is Date. You choose another person at the table, you are now 'dating' every time you drink they have to drink and visa versa.
7: Heaven, every one has to raise their hands. Last person to do so has to drink
6: Chicks, girls drink.
5: Guys, men drink.
4: Floor. Everyone has to touch the floor (or table) last one has to drink.
3: Me. You drink.
2: You! Pick some one at the table to drink.
A: Water Fall. At the count of three everyone starts drinking. The first person able to stop is the person who drew the card. Then the person to his left, and so on. You can't stop drinking till the person to the right of you has stopped.
Set up: Shuffle the deck of regular playing cards well. Place the King's Cup at the center of the table and spread the cards in a circle, face down, around the King's Cup. Everyone get their drinks (be it a Tequila Sunrise or a Glass of Milk) and have fun!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

NaNoWriMo update and Heathcare Scares

As most of you know I'm writing a book for NaNoWriMo that has to do with Zombies.
I would like to announce that for a first draft it's going really really well. I've written about 2K words a day since NaNoWriMo started. Unfortunately, I'm only half way done with what I want to write and I've only got 10 more days (give or take a Wednesday or two).
Can anyone say Panic Attack? So I decided to dedicate a little more time to writing and less time to watching my favorite movies on AMC. (Like Aliens which they've played 4 times recently)
Hopefully I can get through the next two twists, the crescendo, and to an end of sorts before my 10 days are up. I'm not even looking for a clean ending at this point, I just hope I get it done.

And I'm really freaking out because I'm going to be going in for my first Pap next Wednesday!!!!
How is it I'm 23 and still have yet to have one done? Virginity, that's how. Virginity and a really good puppy face. Whenever the doctors would mention me getting a Pap I'd just look at pitiful as possible and beg for them not to make me because I didn't want my first experience to be a medical one. Haha!
Being married now, I can't play that card. So, I have to go in and submit myself to the torture of being female. I'm trying not to obsess over it. Not really doing a good job, but maybe my writing spree will keep it from my mind. *laughs*

The End? <-- this is how I'm probably going to end my book and this post.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Me and Myself

I was sitting down today thinking that I needed to change the back ground of my blog to fit my mood better. You know maybe a splash of color or something.

I sat and stared at my blog for a long time trying to come up with alternative designs and patterns and styles. Honestly I came up with a lot of them. But as I went through them they were all very changeable. If I chose one of them I'd probably change my blog style every other week, or something.

Then something hit me. A realization I hadn't quite grasped. I really didn't want to change my blog style or picture or any such thing. I wanted to change something about me.
Because, as I sit and stare at the picture I chose as the head of my blog I realized something. My blog is the image of myself.
I don't know when this happened or why. I just know that the way I styled my blog is a mirror of what I see when I look on my insides. (no not my guts and bones, my spiritual and mental insides)
Actually, it kind of made me happy that it was so serene, even if it got a little dark sometimes. Just stare at the picture of the temple ruins I have on my blog and see what you feel.

Maybe it's just the picture that's a mirror.

Either way, somehow as I did this I found an acceptance of myself I hadn't had before. And it feels really really good.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

NaNoWriMo, Depression, and Spirituality

NaNoWriMo: Idea is still clear, but my period has killed my drive.
Really, all I want to do is lay in bed and snuggle into warm pillows. I don't want to surf the net, write my campy but awesome story, or even watch cartoons! *le~gasp!* I've already promised myself I'd write 5K words today.
If my husband keeps hogging the bed and keeping me up I think I'll get it done before midnight.

Depression: I haven't had to deal with my depressant phases in a while. Not since our dog died. Thus I was very confused when I couldn't find any happy yesterday. The dark gloomy cloud I'm naming Tut-tut seems to have snuck into today as well. Hmmmm.... I must need more chocolate.

Spirituality: For those of you less Spiritually inclined just ignore this part of the post. Or read it if you want; you have been warned.
Church, something which has lost nearly all of its meaning to me. Nearly every time I talk to some one there's some kind of veneer over their face. They're more plastic versions of themselves and yet some how you can always see in their eyes how (in)sincere they are.
Recently I was very disappointed in a preacher who actually gave a lesson counter to the book that we're supposed to believe in. You know the holy one that bad translations of hide away in lots of hotel room nightstands. (haha! beating around the bush is fun!)
In retaliation we didn't show up this Sunday. Ha! take that big gathering of people who I don't know personally anymore. Instead we went to a chapel service on the base for several reasons, some of them being secret and stuff.
I was really upset. There was still no family bonding like there is supposed to be in a Church that professes to follow the Way the Truth and the Light, but the message was good and clear. It hit me as I think a message from Isaiah or Samuel would have.
Somewhere along the lines of growing up and changing into the married side of life I'd gotten back some old habits I thought I'd fought away. I'm still so stuck on other people loving and accepting me all the time that I compromise my everything. Somehow I've lost track of God and how exactly his total Awesome fits next to my life.
At times God is my everything that is secret, instead of just my everything that is.
What is God to me? What do I call the being that brought the universe into existence? What does he tell us he is?

So yeah that about sums it up. (^_^)Y

Thursday, November 11, 2010

11th of November, Veteran's Day.

Today's the day we remember the men and women who serve in the military. Like My Most Amazing and Wonderful Husband who I love with all my little heart!
There were a few plans for today, you know the classic American barbecue/grilling. Of course the Best Vet's marathon on AMC.
Sadly, I couldn't watch AMC's Best Vet's marathon thanks to someonewhowillremainnameless.
So now I sit here thinking about all the wars and such that have gone on in our past and the pride that people have for their soldiers makes me feel all warm inside at the same time it squeezes my heart until it pops like a little meat balloon.

My dad has been in the military for going on 20 some odd years. I grew up on military bases all over the world. It's a big part of who I am. Veteran's Day reminds me of all the old retired Army and Marine guys who've 'adopted' me over the years, my daddy, and my friend's parents.
Conversely it reminds me of the things my dad, Mr. Pat, and husband have told me about being deployed. My father, God bless him, is a medic. He gets to watch boys younger than his daughters die because, argh! I don't want to get on my soap box so I'm just going to leave it with: Suxors dood. Mr. Pat was in Vietnam, worst war ever from every angle I can see it.
War sucks. The end. Unfortunately it can be a cause for things like: economy recovery, the displacement of a totalitarian regime, and cool things like personal rights.

So today, take a second to remember some one you heard about being a soldier, either a long time ago or recently and smile for them. Just feel warm and fuzzy that there are still people who will go and deal with the shiz so you and I don't have to deal with it later.

I'd love to add a 'wives of veterans' foot note to veteran's day. You'll feel a personal stake in whatever war your man had gone to after a month and a half of being woken in the middle of the night to 'patrol' or 'take cover!' and other bleary unintelligible mumbles urging you somewhere other than your pillow.

Anyways. Veteran's day has proven to be yet another opportunity to reacquaint myself with my American roots. It's a rule of thumb that for every nonmajor, nonreligious, holiday American's will grill out. What they grill varies from state, province, and individual family. However getting outside and setting something on fire to cook your food over it is universal.
Honestly, I never really liked grilling out. The wind blew stuff into my food and it wasn't as peaceful as a Japanese style pick-nick. AND at the risk of sounding unamarican (which I often feel is the case) I don't like hamburgers. Meh.
I do however looooove potato salad.
I don't remember German's ever grilling. As far as my memory serves me the only time anything was grilled in Japan was either by a food vendor at a Festival or at a Yakiniku restaurant, both of which are vastly different surroundings when compared with a backyard get together.
So I tried to find some info. My google skills aren't really that great because my American English terminology is actually very outdated and frankly nonexistent.
But I did find a singular link that rabbit trailed me enough that my lack of understanding of this VERY American tradition lost a lot of it's interest.
The link has all the same information as the little news channel blog I found. Most the other links I clicked on said the exact same things. Meh.
Us Girls
My theory that American's are slightly obsessed with being Macho is being proven every day. lol

Happy Veteran's day everyone!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


I've been writing a book for 9 days now. The plot is simple and straight forward, though really nerdy, and on the edge of campy. It's encouraging to know that this is just a first draft. Later I will have time to go over my Zombie swarm scenes and make them more than three sentences long and fix all my lame, cliche, dialog into something less middle school.
Today I'm having a hard time getting to writing. Honestly, all I want to do is watch the Jeremiah reruns on Syfy.
Eventually I'll get around to writing again.

I want to share my Main Character though. I love them.

Simon Black: Snoody assistant director to a company called Luna Clear (it's a makeup company)
I have a hard time with his motivations because I made him a youngest son, and I'm an eldest daughter so I think differently. But I'm loving the challenge he presents. Doing the right thing for selfish reasons that gradually turn into the right reasons. I'm excited and frightened to be writing him.

Caelee McLeod: Teacher's Aide and freelance photographer/videotographer. I'm trying not to make her a clone of myself. Making her feminine and vulnerable while having a steel rod for a spine and a determination to survive has been fun and slightly embarrassing.

Blaine (who has no last name): Zombie enthusiast and pro-gamer. He's just a blast to write, and I shamelessly am making him a clone of one of my friend's little brothers. I love the things that come to mind when he's responding to an intelligently worded question. For example: "Dude, no." and "Sad day, man." XD! I love it!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Dear Corporate America

Dear Corporate America,
My throat would love it if you would stop forcibly shoving Christmas down it. Quite honestly pine trees don't go down very smoothly and the blood trail, though matching with the holiday color scheme, is really bad for my carpet.
Couldn't you wait until the day after Thanks Giving, or for heaven's sake November first? It's really disconcerting to see a Christmas tree in the middle of bat and witch shaped cookies.
I mean you're confusing the little kids. They're going to think that Santa is some demon who comes down the chimney to suck their blood.
It would be really nice if you could try not to look so eager to take every penny of our hard earned cash. We might forget how greedy and overpriced you are if you respect the Holidays and stop putting Santa hats on Turkeys and Christmas lights over the fake blood and gore.
Sincerely a very annoyed ex-customer.

A new Sunday and thoughts of "Home"

Today was an interesting day to be sure.
Church is like a big family. Especially when you used to belong to it as a child. Everyone you meet is like a distant cousin or an aunt you've only met a few times.
Today one of my "great uncles" couldn't get my husband's name right.
So now as a joke I'm going to call him Jeremy. Which is even funnier because Jeremy is actually my cousin's husband's name.
Hahahahahaha! I think it's funny anyways.

Another interesting thing about today is that it's Daylight Savings. Last night at midnight the clock magically reversed an hour in order to save daylight (don't ask my why, I've been told it's Benjamin Franklin's fault... something about saving candles. *shrugs*). So today has felt off for both me and my husband.
We just can't seem to get the time right. I'm sure it doesn't really help that we went from one timezone to another only a week before the time changed on us. lol

The final interesting thing about today is that I've been confronted with thoughts of home.
One of my best friends has a snowy background on her blog that reminds me of Germany. The picture fills me with feelings that I believe is normal for a person when thinking of home. My heart feels warm and my insides are at ease, there is a lightness to my breath and thoughts and a brightness to my face. To look at the picture makes me feel just plain good all over.
So I let my friend know about it.
In response she asked me to tell her about my home. At first I got all excited: "Yay! I get to share all of my happy!" and then I felt kind of panicked because I realized I don't just have one home. I did my best to give a short answer on her page, but I can't help but feel that isn't enough.
I've been thinking about it and I'd like to share my thoughts.

When I first came back the the United States of America I did not fit in. There was no one who thought the way I did, and even with my super powers of understanding that being a military brat has grown in me, I had a very hard time communicating how I felt and thought.
It was very frustrating to me when people would ask me where I was from. Because I had no easy answer. Did they want to know where I was going for the holiday break or did they want to know the last place I had lived? Not knowing what to say I'd rattle on about all the places I'd lived ending with where my family was from originally. The response was usually either nervous laughter or amazement that one person could actually exist in so many places in one lifetime.
The question of "where do you call home?" always made me upset. Home is not a plural word, it is singular. A person has one Home. Yeah sure, there are adds in the news paper for "Six homes under 250,000 dollars", but they're just using the word 'Home' out of context to hide the fact that they're trailer, mobile, or prefabricated houses.
With this line of thinking I became depressed because I felt that I would never be able to connect with the other students around me. Because I didn't have the one thing everyone else had: a Home. Later though, I came to the conclusion that everywhere I have felt happy and content is a place that I would call my 'home'. In reality I was very lucky and blessed by God to have more than one place that made me feel the way that others do when they think of their Home.

So I will tell you of my three homes. Originally there were only two, but as I was thinking I realized that I'd missed one very important place.

Home #1: My first Home, Colorado's Western Slope.
In the topmost west corner of Colorado is a town called Craig, it's a little south, down the mountain, from Steamboat Springs. Below Craig is another town called Grand Junction, it's in the valley at the base of the mountains to the south of Craig.
My father's family is from Grand Junction and my mother's family is from Craig. When I was a child I lived in Grand Junction and after we moved when I was 9 we visited every year for Christmas. It was home.
The sight of blue mountains with bald heads on the horizon that would light up red and gold as the sun set. Big thin Aspen trees, thick bodied cotton wood trees, ever greens, and weeping willows were the trees I climbed. Bees buzzing around in the orchard my grand parents had and in my grandmother's flower garden was a familiar sound. The grass was green and soft in the summer, brown and dead in the winter. Snow came at least once every winter and turned every hill into a slide. I love how it feels to have a warm body and a cold nose.

Home #2: Bitburg Germany.

When I was 14 we moved away from my home country. Being a homeschooled child I didn't have very many friends, but the friends I did have were very close to me. It was hard to move to a place where I could not understand everyone. What was more frustrating is when I could understand only half of what people were saying. We lived on the second floor of an old hotel called a Gasthaus. It was very hot in the summer because we had no air conditioning. Cows walked down the street to a pasture every day. My littlest brother was a baby, not even 2 years old yet. Being the oldest was hard because I was expected to learn everything to help everyone else. I went to highschool and learned German so that I could translate for my family. Once I could do that I started to feel more at ease.
I didn't understand everything, but I could understand enough that I could get to know people. We could come to an understanding using words I knew and they could teach me more words. I don't know when part of the German culture rubbed off on me, I think it may just come with learning another language, but it became my first New Home.
The food, warm and thick, filled with creme and spices. Like the people who were hearty, strong, polite, but never lied to you (well most of them didn't). Families lived together and helped each other. Cars were made to go fast and last a long time. Life there was tough for the Germans sometimes but they were tougher. Cathedrals of carved stone and colored glass were made to reflect the beauty that God had made and the possible beauty of heaven so that the worshipers could feel Awe. It was important to work together, to make concessions for others, to a point. You were never to lose yourself and you made your family name proud the best you could. There was also snow here. Unlike my first home though there were more open fields and trees I never learned the names of, but I loved over time. The sky wasn't blue in the winter it was white; whiter than the snow on the ground. The trees looked like black hands reaching up and lined with a sparkling layer of frost and snow. It was beautiful. Warm bread and cider and hot steamed Knodle filled with vanilla pudding and covered with strawberry sauce warmed your insides from the cold. Old stone roads that had been warn smooth by so many years were warm when the snow melted and almost soft to bare feet. I miss the stone, the carvings, and the laid back attitude that filled the spring air. I miss the butcher shops where one could pick out a goose that hung from the ceiling or a rabbit from the cooler. I miss Celery root and watercress and produce that came from the farm next door. Home made liqueur and the odd loving respect for the effects of alcohol. I miss the bike trails that wound through the farmland from dorf to dorf (village to village) and the smell of the bakeries as you passed. Gelato... oooh Gelato!
This is where I grew up, this is where I made myself into something even more unique than I already was, this is my home.

Home #3: Misawa Japan

I was already an adult in my mind when I moved to Japan. Though my heart was jumping for joy like a child's when we arrived. I chose my dream over college. Since I was 8 years old I had wanted to visit Japan. I loved the images that were printed in brilliant colors in the books I read about Japanese festivals and traditions. Though my postmodern upbringing made me disagree with some of the customs I still found them strangely beautiful.
The harmony of man to nature and machine was something new for me. I wasn't used to the idea of having a sacred tree or mountain alongside a frighteningly advanced kind of technology. My Japanese cell phone that I bought 3 years ago was more advanced than the phone I currently own, and the Japanese phone cost half as much. I fell in love with the pastries and the cheap food. The way the entire store would greet the ringing of the bell attached to the door. I'd never liked fruit very much but in Misawa it was cheap and so very delicious. I love the sight of Kanji, it's like art instead of words. I loved my Japanese coworkers, I knew I could count on them to do their job and let me know when I wasn't doing something right. Masako made me laugh when she would tease my dad after she got to know him.
I miss Sakura's, the soft pink snow that drifted from the trees in April and May. The knots of roots the poked through impossible black earth from ginko trees that had yellow leaves like fans. Racing my siblings up a stupid amount of temple steps. Pericura (photobooths) and video games inside the mall, dance dance revolution contests with my friends. Japanese McDonalds is SOOOO much tastier. I liked finding all the new and interesting things in the 100yen stores. Japanese music gave me a peaceful feeling or made me laugh.Art in Japan is so much softer and flows like water instead of standing like iron. Kimono's, fans, kokeshi dolls, t-shirts with bad English phrases on them, all of it was like being in a picture book for me. It was the place I'd always wanted to be... and the best part is that there was snow.
It was here that I came to an appreciation of my body I hadn't had before. Being free to go to an Onsen and soak with other women and see their unique shapes made me feel more like a woman. I could look in the mirror without thinking that I was ugly or flat chested or masculine armed. When I looked I saw a woman with a tall nose and long legs who's neck was still pretty even with her wide shoulders. I may not have been able to master Japanese like I had German, but the little bit I did opened my mind to a different way of thinking. A respect for the earth and it's creatures beyond what I'd known before. A belief and a surrender to a destiny larger than the self. The need to give back to the community even if it runs the person to their knees. The honor of the family and high expectations of the children. The sacredness of being Japanese and keeping out too much influence from other sources. So different from what I'd experienced before. This was the last home I've had.

Other thoughts:
Maybe it's just the snow that makes me feel at home. The chilly feeling in your nose and ears. Scratchy scarfs around the neck and gloves that don't quite keep the fingers warm. Warm drinks and blankets with people I can share my feelings with. Maybe it's the sight of my life's breath hanging in the air allowing me to see that: Yes I am alive and a part of this great big beautiful world that I believe was created by something larger grander and more powerful than anything else.
A God who saw fit to make me inside my mother and let me see, feel, taste, touch what and who he made. Because I have a feeling deep inside that he likes to see me smile.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Written Words

I'm going to try harder to update my blog.
Life has found a pattern for me. This is why I do not often write. I feel like I am only reiterating things already spoken. Wearing down thoughts till they are only a stub of the monumental discovery they used to be.
I move, I don't have a kitchen, I find a happy place, there is much disappointment. I study culture and language and learn more about myself.

Recently though, something did happen to me that was out of the cycle.

I was stupid and got scammed. Yes, some one took my money and I let them because I wasn't paying attention. However I have since then reversed the damage and kept any farther loss from happening.

This lesson that I have learned is both humbling and empowering.
I am humbled, knowing that my intelligence isn't as far reaching as I once thought. So now I can be kinder and not judge others I deem to have 'done something stupid'.
I am empowered, knowing that though I am sometimes unintelligent I have the ability to somewhat undo the damage of those poor choices. The bad things I do don't have the power to drag me down as long as I fight them.

Keeping this new experience in mind I'm going to try to fight my negative emotions. Often times I feel like the dark feelings are a big steam roller and I'm the road. On the contrary I am me, I can run, dodge, move out of the way, and maybe one day take total control of that big rolling mass that is my dark side. I feel confident, though it make take many years, that I can do this now.

In other news, I'm writing a Novel for NaNoWriMo (national, something, writer's, month) and I'm super excited! I love the chaotic idea my friends and husband helped me come up with.
*come closer*
*whispers* You see, I'm writing about Zombies and Dragons. *giggles* Figure that one out.
The plot is fairly simple and straight forward, I didn't want to get tangled up with too many loose ends seeing as how I'm writing my first draft in only 30 days. I have to admit I'm really loving the light stress of it. I fell behind a little yesterday and didn't get a chapter done like I'd planned. So, today, I'm going to catch up by writing the rest of the chapter I didn't finish and try for two more chapters.

If you want I can post little excerpts of the text here so you can get a feel for the book. Just keep in mind that this is a rough draft. I'm more worried about getting the ideas onto the page than it looking or sounding very smart.

I wish all my friends, and whatever random readers stumbles on to this, the best of luck in life, love, and learning.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

New Again?

Today I sat down and caught up.
Caught up with people and places I'd love to be near.
Making plans and wondering about myself and those around me.

I'm in a new place. Kind of. I lived here once, when I was a different person, in a different time. I wonder if I have changed as much as I feel I have not.

I wonder why I keep to myself when all I really want is some kind of community inclusion. It's a learned behavior I hadn't realized I'd learned.
Odd, when I think about it. Because, my mother is the queen of keeping in touch. She keeps her circle always open and expanding.
I do not. So, I wonder why.

I don't talk much, and when I do I babble incecently.

I'm spending a lot of time alone and it gives me time to think. To think about America and the things I don't understand about it.
Politics and such. The drive to out do those around me in some way. The individual focus from person to person whilst trying to meld into a connected whole. America is as much a contradiction as I am; or so I feel at times.
How much time, as humans, we spend processing things to the inth degree. I don't know what the word 'inth' means... but I think it's a way of saying minute, tiny, closest possible... is 'inth' even a word? Spell check says 'nth' is a word... what the heck?!

While studying languages I have to use an English dictionary to decipher what they're trying to explain to me. It's funny that my own language is almost as foreign to me as the one I'm studying. After about an hour though I stop laughing and put away the books out of sheer frustration.

I'm glad I got caught up. It makes me feel more whole.

Monday, August 30, 2010


I want to write, but I have nothing to say. Nothing important anyway.

I'm very frustrated with my life at the moment. Few people would understand, and those that do are far away from me.
I feel very alone.
Positivity is hard when one is feeling secluded.
Which is why I'm so confused when others I meet tell me that I'm so positive. I don't feel positive. When I look in the mirror I don't see a positive woman looking back at me (eeew are those bags under my eyes?! *laughs*). But somehow, without my understanding, I'm a positive person. So often I hear: "Wow, Rem, you're so positive." or "You can tell by your smile, only positive people smile like that." No, one will believe the truth that I tell them. The feelings that hang inside my chest are brushed aside because they see that I am "so positive" nothing negative could possibly be in me.

It's strange how other people can put labels onto you that you don't feel to be true and suddenly it becomes the truth to everyone but you. I'm sure this phenomenon has a name. I remember learning about something similar in Speech Class. But for the life of me I can't remember.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The Little Things (just a random Rem thought)

You know the things you really don't pay attention to? The little things. They can cause or fix BIG problems. Through out my life I've noticed this on a small scale, but being married has made this truth so much more tangible to me.
Little things will make me angry. Little things will make him quiet and upset. Little things will mess up something nice. Little things will make me laugh. Little things will make him blush and smile. Little things will turn a bad day into a good day.
And it's never the same little thing.

I guess that's what keeps life interesting.

So, I've been thinking about language a lot recently. Mostly because of the problems I'm having continuing my studies on my own.
And it makes me wonder how it came to be. It's just a sequence of sounds, a bunch of squiggly lines on a page, that we use to convey some of our most important ideas and treasured feelings. It's amazing how something so small can be something so essential.
Conversely, language can be a barrier. People can get so stuck on the words being said that they completely miss the feelings beneath them.
It boggles my mind that such a grand invention can work against us so thoroughly sometimes.

It's the little things that make up our world, our life, our hearts.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Past, Present, and Future Episode.2

Since I'm coming up on my One Year Marriage Anniversary I thought I'd put the video we took the day after our marriage. (I can't really say 'wedding' because we didn't have an actual wedding party)

Hindsight: part 1 of 3 from Angharad on Vimeo.

As of right now I'm struggling to find a good way to study Japanese on my own. A lot of my resources are with my parents in England. I think I'm going to go buy an 'instant immersion' language program and stick it on my computer. Or beg my mother to send me the 'transparalanguage' disks I left behind.
I'm also frustrated with my German. Most of the programs I have are too simple for me and I know everything. However, when I go to watch German TV online or read German books there are so many words and expressions that I am unfamiliar with that I only understand maybe 58-65% of what is going on. I really miss being a part of a class and having a 'master' to ask questions.

I've also found an interesting break in culture that I believe may be universal to an extent. There is a culture for the old and a culture for the young. They exist in an uneasy balance with each other and both hope to influence the other.
The culture of being older tends to revolve around respect and dignity. Though the details of what shows respect and dignity may be different from culture to culture I believe that the foundation is the same.
The culture of being young tends to revolve around freedom, desire, and being casual. They want to do what they want when they want and do away with things like 'sir' and 'ma'am' and have a casual kind of atmosphere between themselves and the older generation. Again the details of this are different from culture to culture, but I believe the foundation is the same.
I find the younger culture a little more difficult to understand personally because I was raised the oldest child of four with older grandparents. At a young age I was molded to regard respect and dignity higher than my own desires. However, I can still relate to the younger generation's focus on freedom. I want to be who I am: Forget dignity and Respect I'm going to go toilet paper that guy's trees!
It's interesting to see the tension between the older and younger generations and their culture and how, though the means have changed, it has remained the same for as long as I can look back.

Recently though in America, I've noticed that the line between the older and younger cultures is getting blurred. I find 40 year old men who act like their 18, or an older woman dressed like one half her age. It's kinda sad to me, to lose that distinction. Differences have, to me, always made the world a more interesting place.

I'm going to have a house some day! I'm so looking forward to it! I'm going to make a lot of the furniture myself out of interesting things I find.
Like this: Bookshelf! Screen! Table!

Sunday, August 22, 2010


The sky in Charleston is a pale blue, that fades to a white as it touches the horizon. I've never seen a sky so tired of shining, so accepting of the clouds that roll in from the sea. Grass grows in sandy soil that gets in between your toes, reminding you of how close you are to the end of the land. The city of Charleston is low and spread out like a spider's web, with traffic that makes it possilbe to read a book while driving home.
Sometimes I like it here. Other times I can't wait to get away. And still other times I wish never to come back.

Jesse and I went camping last weekend and have been in Charleston for a week now. It's been a good week I think. I miss him when he goes to work, I'm not used to it. (^_^)"

I'm sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I got caught up in my own issues so deep I forgot there was a surface for a moment. Our dog died, I had some problems with my woman parts that scared me, and I'm having a weird kind of identity crisis/war with myself.

America is a culture of struggle. Americans want to fight, they discover theirselves while overcomming. I think maybe this could be true for all of humanity. My husband said once that: "Great stories are only great because of the trails. No one wants to read about relaxing days on a beach for 300 pages. There must be an obstacle, a threat, a problem that seems impossible, an enemy to make it amazing; to make the character grow. People are like that too. We become our best when under oppression of some kind." So my struggle may not be merely a struggle of finding myself within a culture I can barely remember, or one I don't agree with, it may be the struggle of mankind. To find myself, to grow into something better than I am now, to fight and become mentally strong, emotionally strong, morally strong.
I like being 'the foreigner' though. You can get away with things that people of that culture can't and often times my blunders are seen as 'cute' rather than 'stupid'. *laughs*
Culture is the soil, we are the plants. Will you let the soil make you a weed or a tree? I think I will be a vine, and spread myself across many soils. (^_^)

I hope that didn't sound too weird.

Tomorrow I'll post another Past Present and Future blog. (I hope the computer lets me. *crosses fingers*)

Monday, July 19, 2010

Past, Present, and Future

I found my camera and got the pictures and videos onto the computer! Yay! So I can start adding a Past portion to my blog posts. I hope to get several online before I have to travel to Charleston and be away from my computer.
I also just found out that I like watching my hands as I type, it looks like my fingers are dancing the way my hands move. I don't know if everyone's hands move the same while they're typing though, I haven't looked. But I know my husbands hands don't look like they're dancing. I wonder if I could tell anything from that... hmmm.
Oh and I found out I'm a raving Nerd. But that's okay, I'm convinced that Nerd is just a subcategory of Artist.
This last weekend I played Magic all evening Friday.

Then Dungeons and Dragons all evening Saturday.

Yup, I'm a raving nerd. But it's lots of fun!

I'm getting more into my German and Japanese a little at a time. I have to have an English dictionary of terms to do it though, because I don't know English as well as I thought. But I'm excited. I think I'm going to take a Spanish class, just because the Spanish subculture is everywhere around me and I don't want to be in the dark about the world I live in.

It's hard to believe that almost a year ago Jesse and I got married and drove across the whole of the U.S. for the military.

Jesse and Kelsey playing Pentago. ^Jesse plotting our course. ^

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Days go By

Days go by in a funny way. Some are Horrible, you want them to be over. Maybe you wish you'd never woke up that morning. Others are Wonderful, you're sad to see the sun set, your glad you got up to enjoy the gift of the day.
I posted a blog on a bad day. A day that I was having an especially difficult time coming to terms with the fact that 'yes, I am an American'. It says so on my passport, I have a social security number, and a driver's license, all of which are proof of this fact. But I don't feel like an American on a daily basis. I feel like a foreigner.
So I've made up my mind. After 2 years of trying to find the American subculture I can belong to I'm going to just be a foreigner to the entire world. The proof of my existence may lie with America but I'm not going to take that to heart too much. I am Rem. I have beliefs and values that are my own and if they don't stack up to any one particular country that's fine with me. This very attitude may be the one thing that ties me the most into the part of me that is 'American'. Which is good, maybe it's when we give up that we can see the bigger picture.
Now that I'm not so focused on having a place that I belong I can enjoy the other things in life more. The things I get to drive by from time to time and the new places I get to go when Jesse and I get lost on the highway detour on our way to Charleston.
I'm sorry for the emotions of my last Blog. They're not the kind of thing that needs to be dumped out like scalding milk on the eyeballs of my friends and family.
I feel better. I feel fresh.
I can now look at the culture of America without despair and longing.
Which brings me to something that I've noticed since going to play Dungeons and Dragons with my husband's high school posse.
People who live in the same place for years and years are quite the same in one way, they can imagine living somewhere else and my want to... but feel that where they are is more important. The reasons are varying from person to person, and even a little from culture to culture. But it remains the same that if you stay in one place long enough you grow a connection to it, even if you don't like it all that much.

Oh and I want to tell you guys something because I'm happy about it. I learned how to make good German bread at home and it's super cheap and easy!

If you're interested in trying it here's the recipe. I eat it with butter, lunch meat, and a white cheese for breakfast but it's delicious with just about anything.
500 g of Flour (2 Cups and a little extra) 350ml hot water (about 110-130 F)
42g Yeast (2 pkgs of the highly active yeast) 1 1/2 tea spoon of Salt
Turn oven on at 430 F (220 Celsius) . Mix all the dry ingredients together then add the hot water and mix well. Leave for 90 minutes to rise. Glob the sticky dough onto a greased baking sheet/pan in the size you want the rolls to be. Then bake for 20- 25 minutes. Tada!
They're yummy!
Warning: the crust of the bread can be super crunchy so I'd advise cutting the rolls in half before biting into them.

Love, Happiness, and Warm Wishes to you!

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

A battle to find myself in America

I feel so discouraged right now. I have tried to be positive in my search to find an American subculture that I can identify with just a little. The closest I've come is the Military subculture. However I'm finding that the cultural climate is COMPLETELY different in the Military subculture of America compared to the American Military Bases overseas. There's no community, just the self.
Same with the Christian subculture, no one feels like a brother or a sister, everyone leaves as soon as the last prayer is said, no words to each other, no smiles. I've found one place that is an actual family, unfortunately it's too far away to visit very often.
Just recently, on FaceBook (which I am growing to dislike more and more everyday), I thought it was perfectly acceptable in the American culture to be bold with one's opinions and beliefs even as far as to make up days of celebration. After all America is a culture of creation, right? Of equality and justice? Isn't that what they teach us? There are hardly any traditions I can find that are distinctly American, so there's not much to mess up on, shouldn't that be so?
Not really. You see, if you mimic someone in order to feel less like a doormat you're hating. If you say anything that is in opposition to a minority you're a supremest who needs to get on with the times. We're a land of Political Correctness and egg shells, where the most abrasive ideas overtake the ones who play by the rules.
Doesn't the status quo get lonely and feel unappreciated when they are the only one's not allowed to celebrate, always having to be careful what we say, what we do? Why are we less important than the other schools of thought?
America feels like a place of opposition. A Place where we are inundated with philosophy that turns the world into gray and blurs the lines of what is right and what is wrong. Then we are told that our opinions are important, and what we think of as right is right and we should fight for it. Who the hell thought that was a good idea?! Did no one see that this is the kind of stuff that tears countries apart? That makes a North and South, turns families against each other, makes it hard to understand.
It is so hard for me to find a place I want to be in America when this is what I run into. My thoughts are depreciated because they are not another's. Because my faith is based on the definition of faith I am somehow ignorant.
How are we to unite if we're always dividing ourselves?
I want to focus on similarities, not differences. The differences are more than capable of focusing on themselves.
I don't want to be a typical American. I will just be me. I'm okay with that. I will be respectful and kind, but I will not be a doormat. I will be bold and courageous and find the place where I am needed, even if I am not wanted.
And in the process I will cry, I will hurt, parts of me may change or even die. Good for me that I hold tight to a faith that cradles me and promotes truth and not opinion.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Georgia Summer

It's hot and humid in Georgia, night or day, rain or shine. It almost feels as if you're walking through an invisible cloud. Everything feels damp, hair, clothes, the things you touch. I wonder how it can be so hot with so much water in the air. If it gets any more humid will I get water in my lungs?
The sun sets green and gold over the lake near my father-in-law's as my husband and I walk hand and hand in the warm evening breeze. I can hear our dog, B'rux, panting as she trots beside us. Her ears perk from time to time and she cocks her head from one side to the other as fireflies wink in and out of the blue shadows between trees and beneath Kudzu vines. The Cicada's wake up to click their distinct cries into the fading light.
And I find that I'm okay here. With my hand in my husband's bigger, hotter, hand and even as uncomfortable as I am (I really don't like being damp, wet or dry please) I'm okay. I don't need anything, but maybe a glass of cold water when we get back to the house. I'm not dwelling on the things I want, like a decent plate of Sashimi, fried Tako, or a bowl of creme of asparagus soup like they made in Germany. I'm okay here.
Tomorrow I'll wake up, exercise till I cry, and hate where I am, want a place of my own and wish for the food I ate overseas.
But for now, I'm okay, my soul is calm.
It's a nice change... I think I might just like it. (^_^)

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The World Cup, Weltmeisterschaft!!!!!

I've been slightly fanatical about the World Cup this last week. Right now, as I'm typing I'm also watching the game between Honduras and Chile. It's like watching acrobats without tight ropes and other height implements. I like it!
The best game so far has been the game between Japan and Camaroon. I really got into it. Maybe because I feel that a little part of me is still in Japan, maybe because I have little faith in the American team, whatever the reason it was an especially exiting game for me.
Actually, Germany has a special place in my heart. I actually almost cried when I found out I'd missed the game between Germany and Australia. I even started going through bags and boxes to find my Deutschland (<-- "Germany" in German) hat.
Everything I feel while watching the World Cup reminds me of some of the blogs and FB status messages that my friend Norie has posted recently. I'm and American, it says so on my passport, on my birth certificate, my parents are American. But, I don't feel like an American, I don't think like an American all the time. In fact, many many times I think and feel like a foreigner, not only to myself but to the people around me. The more I think about it, the more I realize I have no country; No 'homeland'. My culture was Never the American culture, it was my family and the church we went to. Without my parents and siblings I felt lost, but I still had the same kind of church to go to. Now, with moving around all the time and various other issues, I don't even have much of a 'church home'. So, what do I hold onto? What group do I fit into?
As humans we're always trying to fit in, and always trying to stand out. I don't think we know what we want. We categorize people for quick access to understanding or knowledge, but we get upset when some one stereotypes us. We want the best of both worlds; to have the comfort and security of a group of similar people around us but stand out as a unique individual.
I just want to be able to tell people in a few words who and what I am. But I don't even have the words.
Reading my friend's blog and FaceBook stuff has made me realize that I've been running and hiding from the question of culture now that I'm back in America. I don't want to be an American but I'm not German enough to be German, or Japanese enough to be Japanese. Maybe that's the problem, I don't want to be an American.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Herding Kittens

Is not as hard as you think it might be. My husband and I did it yesterday. Really. There were 5 kittens that followed us around yesterday while we went on our walk. They were super cute. We had to trick them to leave so that my father in law didn't end up with even more pets than he already has, you see he's a big softy when it comes to cute fuzzy things.
We even gave some of the kittens names for the fun of it; well all of them actually. The first two looked identical, were super sweet, and meowed so much we named them AM and FM. There was a little calico kitten who was the smallest but acted like a little tough guy... so I just called him Tough Guy. A black and white one looked like a kiss member, Jesse called it Star Child. And lastly a little floofy red one with black spots that bounded around everything and jumped over all his siblings, Spring. They were fun to walk with... I think I want to be a cat lady when I get old now.
It was a good day.
Still fighting with the computer. It's a never ending man vs. machine battle royal. But Dagnabit I'm going to get some pictures and videos up on this blog eventually.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Computer FAIL

As the title of this PSA states it'll be a little bit longer before I can post what I want to.
But so far nothing amazing has happened.
It's hot and muggy. I'm allergic to something in my brother in law's house. I still have random freak out moments where I think I'm pregnant for no reason I can come up with; ironically it usually hits me within a few days of my period.
Otherwise I have little to report. Unless you peoples would like a play by play of our D&D games.
If so let me know.
Joy and Peace to you All!!!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

The Long Pause is Over

I'm sorry I had an extended absence. Life at my face and not in a good way.
Here in the next day or two I plan on putting up somethings that were meant to get put up earlier on but never got from the camera to the computer.
Besides, looking back is fun sometimes.
Hindsight is 20/20 and all that, right?
Anyways, I hope you enjoy my next few posts even if they're not completely recent.
I love you all in a special way, and miss you something fierce. I say that sentence with complete and total honesty.
Till Later, Rem

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The Long Haul

The road before me is so long
Strewn with stones and hidden holes
Deceptively close crystal springs
And clouds that both loom and float fluffily by.
I'm in the Long Haul
That place between Here and There
Nowhere near an End or a place called My Own.
This place they call the Long Haul is filled with adventure
or fear.
Moments of Bliss spread their petals near Choking Worry
and Laughing Lilies float on Pools of Tears.
I love and hate this place that I'm in,
Longing for a home yet I'll want to go back again.
That my time in the Long Haul won't last is both a comfort and a sorrow,
but for now I'll content myself merely with this day then the next.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Ode to the Internet

One never really realizes how much they lean on something until it is gone.
The beauty goes unnoticed, it's value ignored, until it disappears.
Oh Internet! How I have missed you!
Your helping hand when I am in doubt, the gift of laughter Youtube brings, the joy of reading my friend's Facebook satus.
How did I ever live without you?!

Well, I did.

And it sucked.

The computers on base have been KIA lately, I won't even start on a complain train about the situation at my in-laws.

Things are going quite smoothly. It kind of has me worried. Right now, though, I'm enjoying it.
In other news, I've been playing Final Fantasy IX, loving it, and drooling over every single Final Fantasy XII commercial and/or display I see. Come Christmas, if I don't have it by then, I'm going to get a little random job anywhere I can get one and buy it (PS3 included)! Buwahahahaha!
Which brings to mind a request for my friends and family: If any one comes across a Chocobo pattern to make a stuffed animal please send it/or the link my way.
My husband is obsessed with them. Keeping that in mind I'm going to make him one; I'm still working out the details and kinks. Hopefully I can figure it out by May 1st.

For those of you who are interested my itenerary for life is as follows: Pass through Georgia and pick up stuff on our way to Texas. Get a house/appartment/TLF room. GET INTERNET! Train, work, train. Move to San Antonio. Fly to Fairchild for 2 days (Jesse, not me). Back to Charleston.
For my Pals at O.C. that means I can visit at some point.

As of right now, things are still in the mix. Offices are waiting for eachother to make the first move. I'm still living out of a suitcase 6 months into my Marriage. I'll be happy when this is all over and is fond memory rather than daunting future.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

rainy day

Today started out super promising. Everything was going well, I got everything done, made my husband feel loved and awesome.
Now I sit at the computer with a twisted right hand, a little bit of sad, a husband who is not so charming and happy as he was earlier, and it started raining after all the cool spring day was swallowed up by dark clouds.
I know it won't stay gloomy; it's not even really that dark. After the warm happy this feels like a snow ball in the face.

Turns out that Jesse and I will be in Wichita Falls for around 4 months for the next part of his training and I've already got the ok to visit my pals at O.C! Yay!
We'll be out of here and off the net until we get all set up in Texas. Until that day comes, blessings and peace to your hearts, minds, and souls.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

sharp pointies

No pictures because of borrowed internet. However, at least I can get information out to you guys.
Today was somewhat eventful. I found out that some language learning programs are migraines in a package, if Tricare cooperates the hospital wont, and that Jesse's training will be in 4 or 5 places during the next year. To add a shiny read cherry to the top of information overload Jesse is teaching me how to sharpen knives and I rented the cartoon series Gatchaman; I used to watch it when I was little, 'bout 6 or 7? (whenever mom and dad got cable when we lived in Clifton).
The Base Library computers have something against Facebook. So I'm really glad for my Blog right now.
Today is Chance's birthday, I'm sad that I can't be there. I hope it's wonderful for him.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Alive... for now

I'm comming to you from the free internet that can be found at a base library. Yay!
Jesse and I are alive, no car accidents, flat tires, sudden explosions, or amushes by the landscape to speak of. It was actually a super boring trip minus the time we spend with Family and Friends along the way.
Jesse finds out today what 'could possibly' happen to us next. [sarcasm] I just loooove not knowing where I'm going to be sleeping three days from the present. [/sarcasm]
Anyhoooo, I'll be sure to give an update on that ASAP.

Oh and I got lost in the MedGroup building. It's almost as bad as calling a bank's 800 number. Computers everywhere for you to sign in or up or down or your organs away: Everywhere. Living human being who can assist you in finding the Gynocology front desk and maybe answer a few questions: Nowhere in sight. Then I got uncomfortable with my own awkwardness and the sounds of sick people so I left without getting any information. So I'm going to call their help line later and figure out how to do a T-con (telephone consult) with someone. ....Yeah....
Later Days.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Before the long dark silence

As some of you have already been informed, I am moving yet again. Where, why, how, and when are all good questions. I'll answer them in kind: South Carolina, because Jesse's training is rerouting, in a car with a trailer, on Monday.
So before I disappeared from the net for an indeterminate amount of time I thought I'd put up the last documented, hodge-podge, bits of my short stint in Spokane.

This is what happens when the wife gets sick...

I like to watch Jesse do/make stuff (like the trailer) through the window.

Jesse broke my favorite wooden spoon while trying to get the trailer wheels ready to stick onto the trailer. (T^T)

Mawwage is what bwrings us togevah today from Angharad on Vimeo.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Learning Curve

Learning to live with one new person 24/7 is more difficult than 2 or more. It's kinda odd, but I really think it's true. The mindset is different; and you can trade off your attentions and time so you don't get 'sick' of anyone.

Or at least that's what I've come to believe in the last 5 months.

I've been married for 5 1/2 months and have spent round about 3 of those without my husband being around every day. Now that he's home more we're learning how to deal with each other... or something... the mind meld has only just begun *random maniacal laughter and lightning bolts*

Some days are tougher than others; days like today wear me out completely. Both of us are trying so hard to make the other person happy that we end up flattening the object of our affection with the passionate and strong intentions. Up, down, up again, down again, loop de loop de Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Get me off this crazy thing!
At least I'm reassured by everyone, bar none, that this part is the hardest. If it got twice as hard I think I'd turn Jesse's church shirt into a white flag and go out Lady of Shalott style all epic and slightly emo.

In reality though I have no reason to complain or bemoan or whatever it is I'm doing here. I have food, warm and clean place to live, running water, a husband who loves me and has the desire to take care of me and make me happy, I'm returning to a state resembling healthy and we have overabundant provisions enough to refer to them merely as 'crap'.
So, I dust off and hang up the over used phrase "It's all good".

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Recent Discoveries

I'm discovering new things about myself and those around me everyday, I hope to continue this trend well into my old age.

However, most recently I've discovered 4 very important things.
1. There is no safe place from which to scream out your every emotion just to clear your inner slate; someone somewhere is bound to hear you and tell someone else.
2. I have more pet peeves than I thought.
3. There is a time limit for everything, even if no one is aware of it.
4. For every Today there is a Tomorrow that turns it into a Yesterday in which all the dramas that consumed you are now silly and unimportant and that little thing you didn't pay attention to at the time is revealed as a turning point.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

My Hubbie's Hands

For those of you who are curious here are a few of the better pictures of Jesse's FAM hands.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Saturday, January 9, 2010

life bites back

I haven't had time to get a video up, but I will eventually! Maybe once I can get some things looking somewhat organized. *laughs* And I don't even have kids! 
Jesse's gone for a few weeks again, only this time he's holed up in some dorms less than 2,000 miles away from me. I'm very busy. You wouldn't think it, but I am. I run errands all day and do uniform stuff and track down paperwork. Yay! 

Oh and I had a blunder with the wash machine. Apparently the dish 'detergent' they gave me at the housing office was not for Machine washers. 

I'm super excited for today though! I'm going to a Messianic Synagog to see how different they are from the Church of Christ. They're beliefs and stuff seem to be the exact same from what I read about the one here in Spokane. I like learning new stuff! 
Anyways that's all for now! Time to make more banana bread! Buwahahahahaha!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Long time no blog

Sorry it's taken me so long to get online. Due to some timing issues and the pressures of being a military wife in transition I've not really cared about keeping my blog up or anything other than "OMG I have to get a hold of Jesse's superior and fix the pay AGAIN!" and boxes... and packing an explorer to the gills... and driving across the U.S.... oh and setting up a house. 
The last part is kind of fun. I can't wait to get the blue christmas lights up in the bedroom and hang the ink painting and asian fans we forced in with the rest of our stuff. 
I never realized how expensive it is to 'start'. Between filling the cabinets with food and the random little necessities you don't think of until you realize you don't have one (i.e. a screw driver, door mat, step stool, ect.) one spends at least a grand. This is totally not mentioning a bed and other furniture type trappings that tend to be needed in a home. 
Our house looks painfully like a bachelors pad at the moment, complete with full sink and piles of clean and dirty clothes. We're missing some pretty funky things in the furniture department. For example, we have a table without chairs, a 3 door cubby that I'm not really sure what we needed it for other than to make the back of the Explorer look more like a stage on Tetris, a foot locker to go at the end of our futon mattress that's on the floor. To top off the look with have shelves that are made of undressed plywood and cinder bricks. At some point I plan on getting some black or white contact paper and a few yards of three or four different asian fabric patterns and fixing them up to look less like poor young bachelor/newly wed-ish stuff.
Yeah that's pretty much it.