Wednesday, June 30, 2010

A battle to find myself in America

I feel so discouraged right now. I have tried to be positive in my search to find an American subculture that I can identify with just a little. The closest I've come is the Military subculture. However I'm finding that the cultural climate is COMPLETELY different in the Military subculture of America compared to the American Military Bases overseas. There's no community, just the self.
Same with the Christian subculture, no one feels like a brother or a sister, everyone leaves as soon as the last prayer is said, no words to each other, no smiles. I've found one place that is an actual family, unfortunately it's too far away to visit very often.
Just recently, on FaceBook (which I am growing to dislike more and more everyday), I thought it was perfectly acceptable in the American culture to be bold with one's opinions and beliefs even as far as to make up days of celebration. After all America is a culture of creation, right? Of equality and justice? Isn't that what they teach us? There are hardly any traditions I can find that are distinctly American, so there's not much to mess up on, shouldn't that be so?
Not really. You see, if you mimic someone in order to feel less like a doormat you're hating. If you say anything that is in opposition to a minority you're a supremest who needs to get on with the times. We're a land of Political Correctness and egg shells, where the most abrasive ideas overtake the ones who play by the rules.
Doesn't the status quo get lonely and feel unappreciated when they are the only one's not allowed to celebrate, always having to be careful what we say, what we do? Why are we less important than the other schools of thought?
America feels like a place of opposition. A Place where we are inundated with philosophy that turns the world into gray and blurs the lines of what is right and what is wrong. Then we are told that our opinions are important, and what we think of as right is right and we should fight for it. Who the hell thought that was a good idea?! Did no one see that this is the kind of stuff that tears countries apart? That makes a North and South, turns families against each other, makes it hard to understand.
It is so hard for me to find a place I want to be in America when this is what I run into. My thoughts are depreciated because they are not another's. Because my faith is based on the definition of faith I am somehow ignorant.
How are we to unite if we're always dividing ourselves?
I want to focus on similarities, not differences. The differences are more than capable of focusing on themselves.
I don't want to be a typical American. I will just be me. I'm okay with that. I will be respectful and kind, but I will not be a doormat. I will be bold and courageous and find the place where I am needed, even if I am not wanted.
And in the process I will cry, I will hurt, parts of me may change or even die. Good for me that I hold tight to a faith that cradles me and promotes truth and not opinion.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Georgia Summer

It's hot and humid in Georgia, night or day, rain or shine. It almost feels as if you're walking through an invisible cloud. Everything feels damp, hair, clothes, the things you touch. I wonder how it can be so hot with so much water in the air. If it gets any more humid will I get water in my lungs?
The sun sets green and gold over the lake near my father-in-law's as my husband and I walk hand and hand in the warm evening breeze. I can hear our dog, B'rux, panting as she trots beside us. Her ears perk from time to time and she cocks her head from one side to the other as fireflies wink in and out of the blue shadows between trees and beneath Kudzu vines. The Cicada's wake up to click their distinct cries into the fading light.
And I find that I'm okay here. With my hand in my husband's bigger, hotter, hand and even as uncomfortable as I am (I really don't like being damp, wet or dry please) I'm okay. I don't need anything, but maybe a glass of cold water when we get back to the house. I'm not dwelling on the things I want, like a decent plate of Sashimi, fried Tako, or a bowl of creme of asparagus soup like they made in Germany. I'm okay here.
Tomorrow I'll wake up, exercise till I cry, and hate where I am, want a place of my own and wish for the food I ate overseas.
But for now, I'm okay, my soul is calm.
It's a nice change... I think I might just like it. (^_^)

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The World Cup, Weltmeisterschaft!!!!!

I've been slightly fanatical about the World Cup this last week. Right now, as I'm typing I'm also watching the game between Honduras and Chile. It's like watching acrobats without tight ropes and other height implements. I like it!
The best game so far has been the game between Japan and Camaroon. I really got into it. Maybe because I feel that a little part of me is still in Japan, maybe because I have little faith in the American team, whatever the reason it was an especially exiting game for me.
Actually, Germany has a special place in my heart. I actually almost cried when I found out I'd missed the game between Germany and Australia. I even started going through bags and boxes to find my Deutschland (<-- "Germany" in German) hat.
Everything I feel while watching the World Cup reminds me of some of the blogs and FB status messages that my friend Norie has posted recently. I'm and American, it says so on my passport, on my birth certificate, my parents are American. But, I don't feel like an American, I don't think like an American all the time. In fact, many many times I think and feel like a foreigner, not only to myself but to the people around me. The more I think about it, the more I realize I have no country; No 'homeland'. My culture was Never the American culture, it was my family and the church we went to. Without my parents and siblings I felt lost, but I still had the same kind of church to go to. Now, with moving around all the time and various other issues, I don't even have much of a 'church home'. So, what do I hold onto? What group do I fit into?
As humans we're always trying to fit in, and always trying to stand out. I don't think we know what we want. We categorize people for quick access to understanding or knowledge, but we get upset when some one stereotypes us. We want the best of both worlds; to have the comfort and security of a group of similar people around us but stand out as a unique individual.
I just want to be able to tell people in a few words who and what I am. But I don't even have the words.
Reading my friend's blog and FaceBook stuff has made me realize that I've been running and hiding from the question of culture now that I'm back in America. I don't want to be an American but I'm not German enough to be German, or Japanese enough to be Japanese. Maybe that's the problem, I don't want to be an American.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Herding Kittens

Is not as hard as you think it might be. My husband and I did it yesterday. Really. There were 5 kittens that followed us around yesterday while we went on our walk. They were super cute. We had to trick them to leave so that my father in law didn't end up with even more pets than he already has, you see he's a big softy when it comes to cute fuzzy things.
We even gave some of the kittens names for the fun of it; well all of them actually. The first two looked identical, were super sweet, and meowed so much we named them AM and FM. There was a little calico kitten who was the smallest but acted like a little tough guy... so I just called him Tough Guy. A black and white one looked like a kiss member, Jesse called it Star Child. And lastly a little floofy red one with black spots that bounded around everything and jumped over all his siblings, Spring. They were fun to walk with... I think I want to be a cat lady when I get old now.
It was a good day.
Still fighting with the computer. It's a never ending man vs. machine battle royal. But Dagnabit I'm going to get some pictures and videos up on this blog eventually.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Computer FAIL

As the title of this PSA states it'll be a little bit longer before I can post what I want to.
But so far nothing amazing has happened.
It's hot and muggy. I'm allergic to something in my brother in law's house. I still have random freak out moments where I think I'm pregnant for no reason I can come up with; ironically it usually hits me within a few days of my period.
Otherwise I have little to report. Unless you peoples would like a play by play of our D&D games.
If so let me know.
Joy and Peace to you All!!!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

The Long Pause is Over

I'm sorry I had an extended absence. Life at my face and not in a good way.
Here in the next day or two I plan on putting up somethings that were meant to get put up earlier on but never got from the camera to the computer.
Besides, looking back is fun sometimes.
Hindsight is 20/20 and all that, right?
Anyways, I hope you enjoy my next few posts even if they're not completely recent.
I love you all in a special way, and miss you something fierce. I say that sentence with complete and total honesty.
Till Later, Rem