Talking to my self

Ever have those days when it feels like you're talking to yourself?
I'm not talking about not getting comments on your blog or being ignored by your spouse; I'm talking you're staring at the bread in the Grocery store and you realize that your thoughts are no longer silent.
You realize that while analyzing the contents of two competing whole wheat breads that your mouth butted in on your private conversation and decided to alert the whole world. It's like that part in those kids movies when the inventive  and capable hero kid hits the on button on the intercom so that the evil bad guy's words are broadcast for all to her. Yay! the dictator is toppled there's confetti, ribbons, and cake.
Only it's not that fun in real life. Of course when you glance around there's some big white lady giving you the 'oh-my-god-i-hope-i-don't-catch-crazy' look and some young mother shielding her child from your ravings. Or worse, a really nice dude who just smiles at you hoping that you merely smile back and turn away so he can escape before you try and talk to him.

I don't know if this happens to you, but it's happened to me a lot recently. I hate my mouth.

Also the people I talk to randomly disappear. Well, not really disappear so much as they wander off in the middle of talking to them.
For example I'm doing dishes and talking to Jex who's sitting at the computer table close by. He's totally responding. So I continue, hear nothing, then turn to find he's gone.
Or even worse, what you say gets totally ignored.
This I blame on society though. We're all bent on what we have to say rather than what others have to say... not that I can say much about that without being a complete and total hypocrite; I'm a blogger. *nervous smile* But really when you say "Wow it's really grey out today. Do you think it'll rain?" and the other person responds with. "Let me tell you if that **** doesn't call me back I'm gonna kill him. You know how frustrating it is to wait on some one else before you can do anything?"
"I'm a military wife, so yeah."
"You have to put yourself into .... blah blah... two whole days.... blah blah blah..."
"You just want to complain don'cha?"
"blah blah I can't hear you blah blah blah."

I'm convinced that I'm crazy or I blink out of reality for these moments. What other explanation is there... other than that I'm boring... which is probably true.
What?
I'm in my 20's and I quilt. The vast majority my friends in the area are over 50 (which I maintain is totally cool but other people find quite strange). I write stories I tell no one about because, well, I tend to run off to lala land and talk waaaaay too much about them.

But I'm going to fix that.
How? By dying my hair blue! That will fix everything! lol

No not really.
I think the next time I realize I'm talking to myself I'm just going to weird out everyone even more by turning it into a play.
Oh yeah, the epic bread duel. Only one will make it into the cart! Only the best with rise! Take that fiendish unbleached enriched flour take my whole grain fury! Oh but what's this Corn Syrup! Noooooooooooooooooooooo! *ala~luke skywalker*

When people disappear I'll keep talking as if they never left and I have schizophrenia... no better yet I'll turn to my imaginary friends Iv'gar the purple dragon and Fiffle the fire breathing fox and tell them about how rude the other person just was. (^_^) Then continue my conversation with their very pleasant, if a bit mythical, company.

Then when I comes to the latter I've decided to reply with sentences that make no sense and counting how many I can get away with before they noticed I'm not playing along.
Like this:
Ignorer: "If I don't get a text in the next 10 minutes we're done."
me: "And I'm sure the flying pig would agree, applesauce."
Ignorer: "I mean really is this how you treat people? It's just rude."
me: "So are mudkips I hear." *nods sagely*
Ignorer: "Two whole days and not a word back. Seriously."
me: "Even the magic academy isn't that capricious."
Ignorer: "Capricious?"
me: "I think I used that word right."
Ignorer: "What the hell are you talking about."
me:*smiles brightly* Two points for me!

But the boring thing I am going to fix by dying my hair blue. People with blue hair are much more interesting than people with normal hair colors. No really. I'll put up pictures with ISpy this coming Thursday.

The Light Heart Lives Long~
till next time my lovlies

P.S. I will finish telling you about the Sunshine Trip. This was just on my mind today... or rather on my mouth as it began flapping about halfway through the thought. lol

Where We Stand

There is an article that has recently come to my attention.

Why Women Still Can't Have it All ~ by Anne-Marie Slaughter

I only read the first page and will probably wait to read the others tomorrow after wedding prep stuff for Elff is finished. (today we burned the edges of the programs, they look pretty cool)

It's a really thought provoking piece for me so far because of my experiences early in life and the reactions my elders had to them. You see, I've only ever wanted to be a GOOD wife and a GOOD mother; along with learning every language in the world and being a botanist that specialized in healing plants. Honest and truly being the pillar for my family to be built around I saw as a challenging and rewarding goal.
 Dear God. One would think that I had just told some one that I longed to start my own cute baby animal drowning service. Even the men who had asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up were horrified: "That's all? Surely a smart girl like you would want to be more than that." And this is one of the more mild reactions. One woman outright yelled at me as if I had broken something sacred.
Well, yeah I also want to learn languages and become a botanist, but those were secondary dreams. I figured I could chase them and wait for the right guy to drop into my lap. Language school turned out to be too pricey, and I still haven't found a botany degree that meets what I'm really interested in (as least in the U.S. we like to deny that the natural world can be any real good without first being refined and genetically altered). Good thing I found my man. (^_^)

I understand that my maternal predecessors had to bite and claw and fight with all they had to get any rights to anything other than: Teacher, Nurse, Housekeeper, Cook, Wifeywife. I get it, you want me to rise to the heights that are available now. However, it's an option that has been made available to me that I have honestly considered. I get how my choice to stay within the traditional gender role can be disappointing to that generation of women.
Is my admiration not enough?

Sometimes I still find myself cornered and, well, chastised by other women and men even for not going all out and trying to take the professional career path, or rather invade it like one would if one were a conquering army, AND have a family on the side. One the side, like salad dressing.
It makes me think of the move Mona Lisa Smile. It was really hard to sit through at first but one scene gave me hope. It's near the end when one of the girls decides to get married and not go to law school and the whole conversation is awesome. I tried to find it on YouTube, apparently no one else thought it was worth cutting out and posting. The only clip I found cut off right as the conversation got really good and I couldn't find the continuation. But here's the bit I could find. Clicky?

One blogger Garalog, an older and super rad gentleman, had some really great thoughts on the whole 'woman: family vs career' thing. I really really enjoyed reading his insights; not to mention his writing style was like really good chocolate to my brain.

As much as some people tell me that I'm wasting myself being at home I don't think I'll ever regret my decision. I know me, and when I come to the end of the road sitting on the porch with hands that are well worn and soft over old photos I won't regret a thing. Because I will have been the heart of my home, the strength and love that kept my man and children going in the face of the monstrous world that looms over us.

The Light Heart Lives Long~ Ladies. <3

P.S. Let me know what you think if you read either the piece or Garalog's thoughts on the piece. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.

The color of the day

Blue.
In American English it means to be sad on some level or another.
In German it means you're drunk.
Quite the difference; depending on what kind of drunk you are.

Today is a Blue day. It's raining, I'm tired for some unknown reason, Eve's Curse is due any day now, and I don't want to be on the base. Though these may contribute to the color of the day, I don't think they make it themselves.
I've told you before that the women in my family are crazy. Not crazy in a bad way necessarily, but most of them have have to seek out a way to balance whatever throws us off into a random deep-end. My mother is anxious, my grandmother is depressed, I don't remember what the other two figured out for themselves at the moment but they had something that threw them off too. Sometimes I freak out and I feel like running to the nearest doctor that can evaluate me and see if I need help as well. God knows I probably have bipolar, or anxiety through the roof, or my brain is all kinds of chemically screwed!
Yet, other times I have this weird peace and I just know that the day is going to be a color, I can lighten the opacity or let it completely blind me, but no matter what the day will be that color. And today is a blue day.

Here's the thing though: I'm not allowed to have blue days.
Where did this hang up come from? I can't rightly say. Maybe it's leftovers from memories I can't quite grasp. Maybe it was something some one impressed upon me. Happiness is a choice! But sometimes it doesn't really feel that way. Perhaps it's that super 'take care of everyone' thing that is part of the core of my person; I have to radiate happy so that the people I love and care about can be happy. Or maybe it's the insecurity that sits snugly beside all my good points and shouts that "no one wants to see your sad face! if you show it to them they'll find you depressing and you'll have no friends!"
Whatever it is it's really really hard to be around people on blue days. Especially the people who mean the most to me.

Today is a blue day, but I can lighten the opacity. Blue is a beautiful color; I've never found it sad. I think that we should call some one Gray when they're sad; not Blue. Blue is the color of the sky, of the bird that is the symbol of happiness. Blue is an amazing butterfly, and a bright flower. Blue is a delicious berry, and my favorite comfy shirt.
Blue can tint my day and be more like the German meaning than the American.

Today is a blue day, but it's also a good day.

Hats are Amazing Things

I realized not too long ago that I have not shared my fanatical  completely normal love for hats.
Sadly I don't look very good in a hat because I have no forehead and my ears are too high so they end up getting in the way of said object as it sits on my head. This issue has not in any way dampened my love for hats.

Hats are amazing inventions. Not only are they useful (they fight the evil rays of the sun) but their pretty damned spiffy. I really think I was made to be born in the 1930's -50's when a proper lady still wore a hat and gloves into town. Anyreincarnation, I'll be digressing and regressing in order to share with you denizens of the interwebs the wonder that is 'the Hat'.

My favorite, and most giggle inducing hats, are the oldest ones.

Rice hats for example are super awesome and have been around FOREVER. I wear one when I garden and I love it. It's not too heavy, it doesn't get in my way, and it protects my shoulders too. Though I'm fairly certain that I look like a complete weirdo to my neighbors.

Bonnets can be really elegant and lovely but tend to end up on the dorkier side of dress for some reason. Maybe it's all the frills people try adding, or that if their made poorly the look like bad chef hats. 

My favorite Era for hats (other than the fun animal beanies that have hit the markets within the past decade or so) is really the Victorian Era. The top hat is the single greatest hat ever invented. Not only does it fit with both fancy and casual dress but it tends to look decent even when ridiculously decorated. 

And the Victorians were just as silly with their hats as we are with ours. I mean come on, I have a hat that has big yellow-green cat eyeballs and ears on it. 

ah silly victorians

Which leads me into some more modern, if less common, hats. The Steam Punk hat. 

I love the clockwork and steam theme that is (more often than not) elegantly worked onto the hat. And Mini-top hats are probably the coolest miniaturized item invented. 

Before I get too into the modern Hat. I want to do a quick montage of the fun hats that have passed through the mid 1900's.

1920's

1930's

yes

Oh no, batman. No.

1940's

1950's

1960's

Best known for the Pillbox Hat and Other Stuff

^ See... Other Stuff...^

1970's

I think this is when Beanies were invented... but the internet won't tell me much about 70's hats... Maybe everyone was still recovering from Woodstock or something.

1980's

This is when the UFO hats and baseball caps got popular

Or at least that's what I remember being popular (I was kinda tiny)

Since we're close enough to the present for me I'm going to start gushing about my own  hats. 

I own something like 5 ball caps, 1 fisherman's hat (for fishing, duh), 1 mini top hat I got in Harajuku a few years ago, 2 berets, 1 rice hat, 2 beanies, and 2 duck hats (I don't know what else to call them). 

Of this not so vast collection (I'm very picky about what I actually buy not what I oogle) my favorite hat is my mini top hat. Unfortunately I don't have very much to wear it with. *sadface* Lucky for me Jex is the best husband Evar! and lets me buy little things here and there so that I can wear my hats, even the ones he thinks are the ugliest things ever (read: my duck hats). 

My favorite Ball cap is my Guiness hat. It even has a bottle opener on the bill!!! Wah! Close behind is my Deutschland cap that I bought during the 2006 world cup. Stupid Italy... *grumbles* Stupid Chelsea... *grumbles again* 

I don't have access to my external hard drive (read: I still haven't freaking unpacked all our shite) otherwise I could post fun pictures of me and a friend with all her hats. 

I miss you Louda... I miss you a lot. 

Like unto the ball cap is my duck hat. It's a beanie with a bill. And I LOVE IT! My husband thinks I look like a complete and total Dork. But they make me happy so I will keep wearing them, even if I look stupid. 

                                                                             ^^^

This the the Duck Hat I found in a Seria (japanese dollar store) parking lot. It was so dirty and messed up I couldn't tell what it was and I thought. Ha! I'll take it home and throw it in the wash machine and see what it turns into. Voila! just like that I had the most comfy hat in existence. 

And I can't wait to get my hands on one of the freakishly cute/silly animal beanies. (^_^)

In closing. Hat's are awesome, customizable to the point of stupidity, and super useful. Which is why I love them and why they will never fail to make me laugh, or grin. If you haven't go to a store (like Ross, or Burlington Coat Fac. or wherever would have a bunch of different and fun hats) and try on a bunch of hats with a friend and have a laugh. Or just google them and have a laugh. It will make your heart lighter.

And as a wise people once said: "The light heart lives long."

Quirks

When I have to type security words in order to submit comments I think: "Hey that actually sounds like a pretty cool word. Litexy Ntriad, ooooh! That can be a name for the capitol city in a fantasy book." Before I know it I'm liberally sprinkling hyphens and apostrophe's over nonsense letters pretending that, like sprinkles, they make anything look appealing and snazzy.... maybe even edible? *laughs*
And off I go to worlds known only to myself.

11 because it's better than 30

As a kind of apology for forgetting to link up for ISPY I decided to do the 11 Questions Dazee put up on her blog for people to answer.
I'm supposed to pass it on to someone else but I think I'll do the same and leave it open to whoever wants to.

1. What is your corn-on-the-cob etiquette? I eat it like an old type writer alternating stuffing my face and dipping it in the drippings on my plate.

2. Have you ever won, or has someone won you a stuffed animal at the fair? Actually Jex got me a stuffed spider at the 4th of July Bash we had every year at Bitburg. I love that thing.

3. What is your pet peeve? People putting things on the dashboard of the car! AAAAAHHHHHH. I'm not talking little things, I had a mini rubber duck (about 2 inches cubed) that sat up against the window. I'm talking sheets of paper, wrappers, stuffed animals and the like... also anything that dangles from my mirror when turning, that's a sure fire way to piss me off.

4. What is your favorite Disney movie? Hmmmmmmm.... that's a tough one. Are we talking cartoons or some of the recent disney live actions? If so I really liked the first and last Pirates of the Caribbean. Beauty and the Beast is also a close runner up.

5. Have you ever had a feud with your neighbors? Nope.

6. What do you order from your favorite Chinese/Thai/etc, restaurant? Flat noodles with bean sauce. Mmmmm Thai food makes me happy. Egg Fu Young and hot&sour soup. Tako Yaki and Seaweed Salad. I'm so hungry now, I think I'll go home and make something fun to eat for lunch. Maybe a cute Bentou (Japanese lunch box).

^Cute Bentou. google it.^

7. What was the best field trip you went on as a kid? The German class field trip to Koln (cologne) was my favorite. We got to tour the chocolate factory and speak German all day and punk people with 99% cocoa chocolate. Yeah, probably one of my favorite days.

8. What is the fastest you've ever driven? It's more impressive in Kilometers but close to 105.

9. What season of the year makes you the happiest? Autumn, I love the colors and the smells and the nip in the shade of the warmish days. The fresh veggies come to the last harvest and let's not forget Thanksgiving! And all the things that abuse my poor immune system are either dead or dying.

10. What do you think other people think of you? Other people think of me as nice, a little scary, but accepting. Not particularly intelligent or stupid though all of them concur that I can be quite clueless at times. Sometimes I'm mockingly called brave for not conforming to social norms of dress (If I want to wear a yukata one day and a gothic dress the next followed by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles t-shirt on the weekend then I will! Damnit!) and for some reason beyond me people tend to think I'm creative.

^ Yukata ^

11. A)Do you like your name? Yes and no. I like my name but I hate that I share it with so many other people. B) What would you name yourself if you could? I used to think I wanted to be named Cora, then that passed and I liked Garnet, and then I got hooked on Rinoa. I don't know, Corriander sounds nice.

Day 21... and you thought I forgot.

I'm on the home stretch of the 30 day challenge. Getting ready for England. AND feeling like crap. I haven't slept the passed couple night because my eyes have decided to go all photo sensitive on me. I live in an apartment complex that is so well lit I feel like I'm in that weird place in Norway where they have the sun shine for 24 hours in the summer. (Is that place even in Norway... or is it Alaska?) But whatever. I'm just going to pin a blanket over our window tonight or something.

So Day 21: Three Wishes

Sooo the wrong time of year for this.
Wish 1: Enough public transportation. This way it's okay to take away the licenses of all the IDIOTS, Red Necks in Huge Pickups, Punk 16 year olds not so great drivers. They can still get to work. There's an option for couples like me and Jex who are a one car household. Ha! didn't think we existed any more did ja?

Wish 2: That mornings sucked less by 50% do you know how much stuff I could get done if I could get over the hurdle that is Morning. I'd be flipping unstoppable!

Wish 3: That the FDA was actually intelligent and well funded enough to do what they were created to do.
What? You mean you're no longer keeping tabs on Genetically Modified Food?! Are you ASKING for the Apocalypse to pay us a visit? Did you know that a company in Cali makes corn that works as a sperm inhibitor?! Yay! End of the human race via Contraceptive CORN. CORN!!! That the largest crop on earth, one of the easiest plants to cross pollinate, the stuff that is in F*^%$$#%&*!!! everything. Leave the food alone. Mother Nature knows what the crap she's doing!
.... this is why I can't get into politics.... *sigh*

Day 20 and a little emotional gushage

Lets start with day 20 of the 30 day challenge! Wooo! only 10 more days to go!
Then I'll tell you all about my NaNoWriMo awesomage and then we may or may not delve into the emotional explosion that has been the last couple of days.

Day 20 is: Nicknames that you have and why/how you got them.
Bwuahahahahaha. I like this one.

Pumpkin: Not only was I born on Halloween under a full moon, but I was also a bit jaundiced. So I was literally orange when I was born. My mom was not happy with this declaration from my dad.

Sweet Cheeks: Given to me by my father shortly after birth, I can't remember why.

Ashes: I don't know who gave this to me first. Maybe it was my Aunt, or my Unkle Tom (I really think it was Unkle Tom because nicknames are kind of his thing). But it's what I was called by my family for FOREVER! Oddly enough all the meanings I've found around it resonate so well with my actual persona I thought about legally changing my name to Ashes.

Rinoah: Ah, middle school. So I had a crush for this kid, Justin I think his name was, and I was totally freaking IN LOVE with Final Fantasy 8. So when this fun blue eyed boy comes up and says: "Hey you remind me of Rinoah Heartilly can I call you Rinoah?" I was like: "YES!" I honestly didn't know I had a thing for him till we had a fight and he stopped writing me. It wasn't my fault his hand wrighting was so atrocious one of his letters never made it to me. Punk.

Haiki: Ah, middle school again. I translated my name into Japanese when I was like 12, same for the homeschooled girls down the street from me. We called each other by these terrible names for a while.

Redd: My maiden name. Because by the age of 14 I didn't really respond to my given name unless one of my family members was saying it.

Radish: Jex's fault... I tried to go just by Ash for a while. Before I got so angry with the 'pokemon' references I met Jex. He asked my last name as he was jumping from cement barrier to cement barrier. I answered and he goes: "Ash Redd. Redd Ash." His lightning struck blue eyes widened and he smiled in a way that I would forever remember as a smile to be avoided at all costs and said. "RADISH!" Nooooooooooo! I am not a vegetable! No! Why God, why?! *ahem*

Rem: This is the one that stuck. In highschool easily 25% of the students shared my name and another 15% shared a friend of mine's name, Mel. )And apparently it's not Kosher to ignore the popular girl who announces that since her nick name is 'red' I can't use my actual last name as what I go by.) Our super cool third member of the "Trio of Terror" Kai offered the solution of picking out Japanese names for each other that fit our personalities. Sweet! I was super in love with Jett Li and the movie Hero at the time so I was like "OMG! I'm going to be No Name!" Nanashi, turned out to be the Japanese translation. Yay! Mel ended up being the absolute pickiest person on the planet. "No the Kanji is stupid, too hard, too simple. The name doesn't mean something cool enough, too masculine, too feminine, too whatever." So in the end Kai and I were like: "FINE! You don't get a name! You're Nanashi!" Then I was like: "Wait... now what's my name?" [insert facepalm here]
So, my friends assured me that they'd find a good name for me and rejected every idea I came up with for a few days. I gave up and just let them brew. If I got a name then I got a name if not then I guess I could try to beat the 'pokemon' reference out of Ash. Maybe replace it with an Evil Dead reference.
One day Nana and Kai came careening off the bus and to the corner where we met before classes and announced with blinding white glee that they had found my name. THE PERFECT NAME for me. "Rem" They said together.
I wasn't sure. "Rem? That's not a Japanese name."
But it didn't matter because they said they were my friends and that is what they were going to call me. FOREVER. And they have. Now so do my parents, my husband, my other friends, just about everyone who has met me in person.
It's so much so my name at this point that early on in our marriage when Jex said my given name I got mad at him and nearly demanded who the hell "Ash*****" was. Then realized it was me. *furious blush*
Just in case you're wondering "Rem" is a Japanese name that is usually translated as "Ren" but both spellings are acceptable since the n and m sound are pretty much the same in Japanese. It's a boys name that means "Lotus". It'd be nice if that's the reason why they picked the name, for all the meanings behind the Lotus flower... no... it was a character in a comic series they were reading called TriGun, who apparently is my personality clone. *shrugs*


NANOWRIMO!!!! = Awesomage!!!!
I'm up to 25K words! Go me! And in celebration I think I'll post a little excerpt again. It'll be shorter than the first one.

And I think I'm just going to ignore my emotional instability for now. I'm running out of precious internet time.

Day 19 Didn't they already ask this question?

Sooooooo, I'm still plugging away at the 30 day Challenge. Today is day 19 because I miraculously restarted at the right number. This is what Jex calls one of my patented 'perfect mistakes'. Why? Because if I actually put all my effort into something it becomes volatile and explody, if I don't care or don't have enough time to actually try whatever I'm doing turns out Cramazingly! Yay me?

I digress, today is day 19 and the 30 day committee asks for me to list Plans, Dreams, and Goals that I have.
Didn't they ask me this already?! like on the second or third day?! BAH! HURRUMPH! and all those other sputtering sounds of indignation. I'm no good with these things. I live by the hour and maybe dip my toes in the water of tomorrow and next week from time to time. Meh.

Plans: I plan on getting a job at some point.
Finishing the dress project I want to do even if it's by hand.
Making my mom and my sister's christmas presents (ha! we'll see how that turns out).
I also plan on losing the extra 15 pounds I put on in order to to raise the chances of getting pregnant. It didn't work so it's got to go.

Dreams: Actually I had a really weird dream night before last. Jex and I were on our dream vacation to Ireland. We found a little known historical site and decided to join one of the tours. It was a rocked house with a thatched roof that was almost one room. The windows were open and let light stream in those awesome looking rays. One window was called the Spider window, there had always been a large spider that made her home there until the last few years. Beside that window on a pedestal was a carved stone that was in the shape of a narrow pyramid. A 'do not touch' sign was hung around it. The celtic carvings were worn down, I supposed from people touching the stone so much for good luck. Then I noticed it wasn't so much wear, though there was a lot of that, but dirt that had filled all the carved lines and curves. When I pointed it out to the director she was flabbergasted. I offered to clean it for free since none of the workers wanted to touch the stone. Apparently it wasn't the kind of luck they particularly wanted.
Jex had picked up a tiny little harp and decided to play it for me while I cleaned the stone. I can still remember the tune. And while he played a really pretty garden spider (you know, the black and yellow ones) began weaving a web in the once abandoned 'spider window'. It reminded me of a mix of ballet and cirque du soleil (I think I spelled that right) as the spider jumped and weaved in the rays that the sun streamed through the window.
Usually when I dream of spiders I'm avoiding them or running from giant versions of them or trying to keep my little brother from dying because he got bit by a radioactive one (nope no superpowers for the radioactive things in my dreamworld... just death) so the peaceful feeling with the dream was really unexpected.

Goals: Well... there's a basket ball goal down the street. A soccer goal by the baptist church next door, aaaannnnnd... hehehe. Just kidding.
I guess my goal is to be less hard on myself. I don't know if I've ever talked about this here but I'm actually a really negative person when it comes to myself. For some reason God only knows I don't give myself any room for being human. I either pass or fail and more often than not it's fail.
But then if things go really well and I'm really happy for more than a few days I flip out and have a panic attack before falling into what Jex calls my 'pit'. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll have to start taking meds because EVERY WOMAN IN MY FAMILY is on them for either depression or anxiety. And I refuse. I hate medication. I'll drink a special tea every morning or eat more soy or fish (eeeewwwww) but I'm not swallowing a pill. Nope. Nuh uh. Not happening.
So.... Be less hard on myself/skitzo. And figure out what the difference between a Plan and a Goal is. Because to me they're pretty much the same thing.

BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *cough*

*insert corny lighting bolts and fan effects*

*ahem* My husband is back! The Military finally decided that it's ok for him to be less than 1000 miles away from me! I'm so happy! Even though he decimated my clean house in less than 12 hours.

And our car is dying. According to Assbreaker Tony it's about time for it to die. He actually only intended for Rinky the dinky red car to get us around for a year or so. Just long enough for us to get settled in the U.S. and buy our own vehicle. The poor thing has gotten us over Rabbit Ears pass in Colorado twice, from Georgia to Washington state and back, to Texas four times, and Mississippi, up to Massechusettes and back this passed month, not to mention the bajillion trips back and forth from Georgia to South Carolina we had to take while waiting for Jex's classes to FINALLY start. Poor little car.
I want a Passat or a Prius. Jex is thinking a Suberu monster Baja

I don't even remember what day of my 30 day challenge I'm on... I think the last one was 17? Sure that sounds close to right. So today I'll do 18.

30 day challenge #18: Some one you would want to switch lives with and why.

Hmmmmmmmmm.... Does this person have to be alive now?
Well if the person doesn't have to be alive now I'd have to say Noah. Why? Because I really want to see what the world was like a few thousand years ago. I really really do. I don't want to hear theories; which to me is the scientific word for 'imagination'. I want to see it with my Face! Then come right back home. Unless the theories about older civilizations being more advanced than we are now is true. Then I want to stay for a few weeks or so before coming back home and writing a award winning book that will replace twilight.

If it has to be a person who is still alive then.... uhhhh.... Now I wonder if it'd be wierd to pick a different gender.... bleh who cares.
Keith Urban's personal assistant. Why? Because I'm curious about which actors are actually cool people and who are actually douches. Especially since meeting members of my favorite band.
Maybe I could go fishing with Morgan Freeman or something. *Ha! I laugh at myself*

Day 17 and a Novelist's update

And so I find that I'm doing too many things at once, yet again.

Anyway today's number on the 30 day challenge is actually fairly easy to accomplish.
Day 17 is: Something you could live without.

Oh boy! Here Marrianna Annadanna and V will get one of those lists they love so. Because I feel like ranting just a little bit.

All the things Ashes could live without.
1. Daylight Savings
2. The massive amount of country radio stations
3. Bad Rap music (there is actually some good rap music out there. It's not just a myth!)
4. Gangster Style
5. Brand names
6. Fan Girls
7. Fan Girls
8. Twilight Fan Girls (I'm talking the crazy ones, if you're a sane Twilight fan I hold nothing against you. Honestly I enjoyed much of the books myself.)
9. Inuyasha Fan Girls
10. Stupid drivers
11. Cell phones
12. the Flu Shot
13. World of Warcraft (actually any MMOG, Massive Multiplayer Online Game)
14. Wal-Mart
15. 1/2 my wardrobe
16. Cosmetics
17. Dymatap (or any other godawful substance that is 'supposed' to be good for you)
18. Plastic women (the ones that are alive just for clarification)
19. Jersey Shore
20. It's always sunny in Philadelphia
21. Most reality tv in general
22. Music television that doesn't play music.
23. The 52million and 4 infomercial channels in cable packages.
24. Religious people (not you spiritual people who actually live what you believe)
25. That guy who leaves the cart in the best parking space.
26. Processed Cheese Products
27. Pabst Blue Ribbon (eeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww! Who actually likes this stuff?!)

I feel better.

I've gotten nearly 7,000 words down in 3 days. I felt good about that till I saw that the majority of my friends had gotten to the 15-18,000 mark, that effectively popped my pride balloon. Thanks to Shane for making me feel better by saying that mine was probably better quality. Probably a lie, but it made me feel good.

I don't know if the excerpt I posted was too long. I'm thinking of posting shorter segments from time to time and seeing what you all think since you're who it's there for. So, would more bite sized pieces of my NaNoWriMo project be better for you guys? I would like to hear from my silent readers on this one too. Again this is all for you guys.

It happens....

Roar... ?
Since Jex left I've kinda lost my will to do much of anything. I know most of you Veteran married peoples are going to be like 'pshaw you young newliweds and calling each other every day to say "I love you!"' He's only been gone for like 16 days! It doesn't matter I want my evil jerk back! I can't get anything done without him around to keep me on track!
But thanks to my friend the Platypus I decided that I need to give my blog more love. I may even post every other day. *Le~gasp*

I'm so excited it's almost HALLOWEEN!!! Gah! Not only do I get to dress how I wish I could dress every day, but I get candy AND presents (since it's my birthday). In less than a week I'm going to make the most chocolatiest birthday cake EVAAAR! Because if I can't have sex fun on my birthday then I'm going to have chocolate, with little cookie tombstones on top. And when I can't eat it all then Beowulf and Superdude at the Green Dragon (my favorite nerdtastic place in Sandland) will probably appreciate a piece or two.

Lets seee... I think I'm on day 13 of the 30 day challenge...
What do we have here?

Share a Secret, huh?

Oooooh that's a tough one. Most of my secrets are secret for a reason. Hell I'm the girl who when asked "what color are your underware?" by dudes looking to freak me out I pulled the band up from the back and looked at it before answering. I don't even know if I have a secret I can share without feeling all freaked out.

Hmmmmm... *strokes imaginary beard* Uh.....

Okay. I think I got one. Right before going to College I had just broken things off with Jex for a myriad of reasons. Between my Parents saying things like "I will not be a part of something I do not condone" and having communication issues with Jex on top of personality traits he picked up from being deployed to an Army base as support in the desert I just couldn't handle it. Love should not be the cause of so much suffering! DAMNIT!
So when I went to College I was like: Woooo! Fresh start!
It was then that I realized how A-sexual I really am. I just don't care about the opposite sex like I'm supposed to. In all honesty I would rather see a woman's body than I man's mostly because the curves are very artistically pleasing. That and the same woman can change shape based on the time of month or the stress she's under.
There were a few guys I thought were pretty cute, like Cowboy and Ceasar (honest to God that is what people called them) but meh. Get us together with pizza and beer and a few video games or whatever and it'd be a party, but meh.
It was then that I thought that I was forever going to be single. Jex was the only guy that really drew me in... ever. Sure I love the crap out of my guy friends. Oh I love love love them (like Marc!). But not like that. It still feels weird sometimes to admit to myself that I really don't feel feminine or masculine at any given time. I just 'am'. Ya know?
Then, LUCKY ME, Jex took the time and money (and if you knew him you would understand why both of these are monumental considerations) to fly from Japan to Okla-freakin-homa to ask for a second chance. How can anyone say 'no' to that?! Not only that but, well, to be honest even though I broke up with him I'd never really wanted to. He's my one and only, I'm pretty sure there can be no other even if he died. So let's hope he stays alive for a good long time. (^_^) Because if he dies I'm screwed.... or rather the opposite there of.

It's ALIIIIIIIVE!!!!

After the last few days all I can say is: HOLY FRIGGEN CRAP!
Unfortunately my wondermus husband took his camera before we had enough breathing space in which I could pull the pictures off of it. Lame-sauce I know. (and after talking with him on the phone he says he doesn't have it, it may have actually been left at my brother in law's... hmmmm)

Everyone get excited for me, I had my first job interview this passed Wednesday and I think it went pretty well. I'm so excited, I really really want to be a librarian! Yay! ... though technically it's an 'assistant librarian' position... doesn't matter I totally have the glasses for it. (^_^)Y

Alrighty, in celebration of surviving being in different states four weekends in a row I'll do a day of my 30 day challenge.

Day 12: A picture of something you don't like.

Oh the pastabilities... I don't like a lot of things. It's probably easier for me to come up with a list of stuff I don't like than stuff I do like.
But for the sake of my efforts to be more positive I'm just going to choose one.

Strategy board games.... ugh...



I don't like them because I'm bad at them. Honestly I win about 51% of the time. I just don't like them. I feel bad, or bored, or just darn drained after I play them, and since I play games to have fun these are not the games for me.

Day 10: because the internet gods are with me...

I have a head cold! *cough hack wheeze* But that's okay, theraflu is awesome so I should be in the clear in no time.... I hope.
We're still alive. Turns out we're not the only ones with wanderlust. Daddio and Witchy are driving to Texas tomorrow to help sort out all the stuff that was left when Grandma Velma died. But we're here, and in one piece, and with the internet! Yay! I forgot how good it feels to type up a blog post while chillaxing in bed.

Okay so Day 10 of the 30 day challenge is yet another deep/aneurism causing topic: A Story about a past relationship.

*sigh* I'm going to go with a happy story!

There was once a little girl named Ashes, who really wanted some one to play with. She'd look out the window wistfully and watch the leaves on the tremendously tall trees dance in the sunlight.
Soon her mother was going to take her somewhere else, somewhere she could play with kids her own age. It was hard for her to make friends because she wasn't good at showing her feelings with her face or her words. Just her actions. That made the other kids mad. Especially the boys because she could beat them up while keeping her pretty dress clean.
There was another little girl named Aubrey. Who was just as fun and rowdy as Ashes. They had seen each other a lot when they were too tiny to remember and soon they would see each other again.
They would laugh until Ashes got hiccups. Bury toys in the sand box. Spend the nights laughing and playing with all the neat toys that Aubrey's family could afford. They would play catch with a sky dancer and Aubrey would freak out Ashes with a demon possessed Furby (though Aubrie didn't think it was demon possessed). Together they would discover the wonderful terror that came from watching Jurassic Park and having a kitten on a water bed.
Overtime their relationship would grow into the first 'best friend' Ashes had ever known. If they could have predicted the future maybe they would have remained so.
But time is a fickle friend and likes to pull things apart.
Ashes moved to Texas and the girl's mother's had a 'falling out'. Even though they stopped speaking and no longer would call each other their 'best friend' the memories are still precious. The impact still there.
The laughter though long since faded still echoes to this day.

Dear God, I thank you for giving me the time to blog...

Okay so last night Jex and I got home from our trip to Massachusetts. We're poor, so I packed up all the food from our fridge and we drove over 2,000 miles and 36 hours alltogether so that we could be part of our great friend's big day. I was a bride's maid! *squeeee!*
Missy was beautiful and Shaun was dashing. They really do complete each other and I pray for their continued oneness. Even though Missy is more of a deist than I am she appreciates the sentiment. And somewhere on the internet is a video of Terrace (the maid of honor) and me doing 'the creep' by ourselves on the dance floor. Maybe even one of us head banging to the techno 'Barbra Streisand' song.
Jex and I pulled up to our Apt near 9pm last night. We get today to unpack, repack, and clean before leaving tomorrow night at around 9pm to drive 6 hours to my in-laws. Tony LOVES fright fest at 6flags. Since he's been through open heart surgery this year we're going to celebrate it with him. Then at some indeterminate time we have to drive 6 hours back in order for my husband to fly to someplace to do something for too long away from me for his work. Yay OPSEC! (opsec is the acronym for: Operational Security..... it means don't post military details where just anyone can get a hold of them. And it may make a some of my posts about Jex really vague.)

Anyhow, pictures and other such funness from the trip will have to wait. I've got 5 minutes in which to get home and get things situated.

30 day challenge Day 10: Someone or Something you're proud of.
Holy Crap.... do they do this on purpose. There isn't just one of these things in my life!
Bah, you're about to get a laundry list of photos I can steal from other people's face book pages. *evil laugh*

Marrying Jex... Probably the best decision I've ever made in my life. Ever.

I'm so proud of Norie and Laura and all the other friends that I couldn't find good pictures of

I'm proud that I can put on a Yukata (pictured below) and a Kimono on by myself. A feat that even many Japanese can't accomplish.

I'm super proud of my little brother Rocker. This is a picture of him and his band. He's the only one who looks bad ass (to the left of the kid in the front).... he's also the only American. lol

Well that's it for the next week or so. If there's anything left of me I'll be back here, same bat time, same bat channel.... same batty personality. (^_^) Y


.... I forgot one.... so I came back because this was a really big highlight in my life....

I'm proud of being able to sword fight with real steel. Yup.... it's awesome.

Day 8: Who's your daddy?!

So Day 8 tells me to: Post a picture of some one or something that has had a great impact on you.

No pressure. It's not like when something asks you for a best friend in a public forum or anything.
There are so many ways I could answer this that would make so many people angry.
Yay me!

Hmmmm.... Well I'm actually stupidly impressionable so I'm going to pull a Marianna Annadanna and post a bunch of stuff.


Starting with My Mom and Dad. Because you can't be raised by some one without them impacting you massively. For better or worse I am a amalgam of these two people's quirks, strengths and weaknesses, along with some of my own I invented along the way.




My College Buddies Norie Minegishi and Laura Louda. Oh my gosh I miss you guys almost every single day!


The Chika's I spent the week with in San Antonio. From left to right Brianna Swaim (who I've known since middle school, actually I credit her for my survival in middle school) Pingping, Me, XingYi, and Kamry Murell. Best people to ever spend a weekend alone in a stranger's house with! Gah! I love you guys!


I just love this picture. Brianna and Norie with Thea (Brianna's roommate) and me.


Jesus, Yeshua, Christ... whatever you want to call him. God's son and I'm stickin' to it.



Notice that these aren't in order. I haven't gotten to the stage of life where I'm super organized from the get go.
So, when I was a little kid these were the things that molded my personality and interests the most.

Sailor Moon! No joke I can totally still sing the theme song. I have a few Sailor Moon DVD's that I watch when I get depressed, anyways so my dad sat down one day and watched a little bit with me and in the middle of the episode turns to me and says: "They act like you! No really, all these characters act like you! Especially that Ray girl."
Thanks dad... (-_-)



Dragon Ball Z, I seriously watched this show when I was 7. And boy did I idolize Picccolo (he's the green guy) and future Trunks (the dude with the sword). I have very vivid memories of watching the Freeza saga with my sister and having my first gender crisis. We couldn't for the life of us tell who was a girl and who was a guy till they spoke and even then it was kinda shady.



Here it is. The computer program that made me a nerd for the rest of my life. Thanks to this little baby I decided that I was going to learn every language in the world when I was 7. Yes, the entire world. It also instilled in me a love for culture, especially asian culture for some weird reason. And actually it was Ecarta 94 or 95 but I couldn't find a picture of it online. This one's close enough.

Day 7: Free time? PSHAW!

Hi! The next two weekends might kill me so... Thank you Everyone for your lovely comments. They made my life a better place. Especially Dazee, you so rock my socks!

Alright, so Day 7 of the 30 day challenge is: A Hobby you have.

I would say Gundam building. I really like model kits, but we have no space so I haven't built any in a while.

BTW this is a Gundam: It's called "Heavy Arms" and I LOVE IT!


But yeah this is what I used to to when I had free time.
I want to get into Sewing, but I don't quite have the monies for the industrial sewing machine I want. Oh yes, that badboy has to sew through leather.

I did not just do that...

Alright, so I really just want to rant about something going on in my immediate family. But I won't because today I get to rant about something else.

Day 4: A Habit You Wish You Didn't Have.

I wish I didn't have the habit of neurosis. I freak out over every little speed bump that happens in my life. It doesn't matter if YOU can see the sudden pandemonium that shoots through me like a shot of adrenaline, I'm very aware of every screaming siren of "OH MY GOD YOU DID NOT JUST DO THAT!!!!" wailing just behind my eyes.

This is a habit right? Not just some mental disorder?
Well if this is just a mental disorder and I need to seek help I guess my most hated habit would be PROCRASTINATION.
I'll do it after whatever it is I'm pretending to do, in some random number of minutes, tomorrow, next week... ect.
Then the day before whatever the heck I put off is supposed to be done I run around like a chicken with my right wing, left leg, and one eye ball missing trying to fix it! Or come up with clever excuses that include Brownies (the magical creatures not the tasty chocolaty goodness), unplanned naps, and other events becoming much more time consuming than is completely true.
Whatever the case I might actually be the person I want so desperately to be if I could actually DO STUFF instead of reading that fanfiction for several hours. *guilty grin*


PS: I told Dazee that I'd upload me singing her song in my next post. This has sadly become a lie, since 'honest to God' my camera was dead. Then when I found batteries that actually worked I lost the lyrics, tried to sing it anyways, remembered most of it but forgot the end, and then felt like a total tard when I realized the dog was very concerned for me. So, amendment, I will post a video of me singing Dazee's awesome song, much to my chagrin and other's amusement, when I remember to. (note: No Brownies, elves, gnomes, or faeries= not an excuse)

The 30 day blogger challenge? Sure!

I've seen these on Facebook, 30 days of pictures, notes, statuses and what have you. I enjoy reading other people's stuff and wondering who the heck had the time to think of this list?! But I rarely ever join.
You see, I'm an observer. You know that creepy person in the corner who just watches everything? That's me! I'm deciding wether or not to join the shenanagans or figuring out the food chain and wether or not I want to try and break it. lol

Well, since Marianna Annadanna over at Snappy Surprise was nice enough to ask people to join her (at least when we felt like it or whatever) I'm actually going to try.
Like my comerade in blogs This 30 day blog challenge will probably turn out to be something in the neighborhood of 60-90 days. And depending on what internets I can get my hands on is wether or not I get to post pictures.
Day 01- Introduction, a recent photo, and 15 interesting facts about yourself.

Okay... My name is Ashes, sorta, if you've known me in the past 9 years then I'm Rem or Redd, if you met me before I moved overseas you probably use the name I never identified with and therefore stopped useing.
I like to be an open book, but my pages are out of order so... yeah.
Recent picture huh? Lets see if I can't jerry rig the interwebs.

HA! Take that "this operation is not allowed based on current security settings" !!! Widows were made to be broken... 'ahem' Anyway I'm the one on the far left smiling like an idiot. The guy next to me is a new friend I just made, trouble... er Chris, and the guy next to him is Rudi, the main guitarist for my favorite band Within Temptation.. Far left is one of my best friends, Sonya. That picture was actually taken this past Monday.

Alright, on to the 15 'interesting' facts:

1. When I'm nervous I keep talking, because eventually I hope I'll sound as intellegent as I do in my head.
2. The above never works.
3. In my head I am rather intellegent, genious even!
4. I don't like water being on my person. In me, fine. On me, NO!
5. I'm afraid of the ocean, not only is it a huge bottomless body of water *shivers* but there are SHARKS in it!6. If I could be anything else I would be a dragon. Because no one would bother me knowing that in my eyes they are crunchy and good with ketchup.
7. The world we live in bores me. No really, all this high tech stuff, social networking, video game systems, corperations, I don't care there's no adventure in it.
8. I am however a huge final fantasy fangirl, though I've only ever actually completely finished one final fantasy game: crisis core.
9. Now that I'm at number Nine 15 seems like a rideculous ammount of facts about oneself.
10. I wish more people used the term 'one' or 'oneself' instead of 'you' or 'I' when talking about hypotetical instances. I also really like terms like betwixt (between) mahaps (maybe) and mislike (don't like).
11. One day, when I grow up, I'm going to have a garden where everything is pretty AND edible.
12. I can't keep houseplants alive. I've killed a sunflower, a cactus (no I didn't over water it, I followed the directions to the letter, thank you very much), and countless other 'easy to care for' plants.
13. I was a virgin when I got married. No joke, and holy crap was that night traumatizing.
14. When I was 7 I was going to learn every language in the world, be a veteranarian, a pediatrition, have hair like repunzel, AND build the first viable giant robot that could be used in place of tanks in WW3, because every 7 year old knows it's only a matter of time before there's another one of those wars.
15. I'm very glad this is over, I was seriously beginning to think that my personality is so 2 demetional that I wouldn't be able to come up with a 15th 'interesting' fact. *phew*

Well either spell check isn't working or I surprised myself by spelling everything correctly (highly unlikely, but for the sake of my fragile ego we'll just go with that. hehe). Anyways, if anyone wants to join me on this bandwagon of bloggerly fun link up your posts in my comments (if I don't already subscribe to you). I'm an observer and I'd love to see what you have to say about whatever we're doing on that particular number. Heck you'll probably be done with this thing faster than I will. (^_^)Y

See you next week, same Bat time, Same Bat channel... till then: Love many, trust few and allways paddle your own canoe!

Identity

Identity is a big thing. It's how you get a job, credit, how people see you, and how you see yourself. The word is loaded with so much emotion: contentment, happiness, frustration, and so on depending on where you are in life or who help up their own mirror to your face.

My identity was secure; despite the statistics of home schooled military brats. Eventually I learned that your outward appearance is such a huge part of one's identity. More than my little introverted brain ever considered. I didn't learn this till I cut my hip length hair to my shoulders and went to school only to have a great deal of people not recognize me.
My dad had always said to never slap anyone in the face because 'it's an attack on the person not just the body'.

My identity got challenged when moving back to the states, and then nearly shattered after getting married. Growing up as I had my place in the family was a HUGE part of how I defined who I was. Now that had all changed. I was living with some one else, with different (for lack of a better word) duties and concerns. I even had a different name!

In then end, though modified, I'm still Ashes.
I'm still a dork. I still read way more than is healthy. I watch cartoons and get too loud when I get excited or over joyed. Part of me wishes I could be badass but the other half of me is resigned to the fact that I'm 'cute'. I have the same scars. The same fears still stalk me (I'm working on beating them into submission). To this day I confuse the crap out of people with my clothing, yet some how pull it off.
I'm still a flower bud, changing colors as she blooms in the garden of life with my sisters, brothers, and the thorns that pop up around us.

What makes you 'you'? What do you see when you look at yourself?