Sooooooo, I'm still plugging away at the 30 day Challenge. Today is day 19 because I miraculously restarted at the right number. This is what Jex calls one of my patented 'perfect mistakes'. Why? Because if I actually put all my effort into something it becomes volatile and explody, if I don't care or don't have enough time to actually try whatever I'm doing turns out Cramazingly! Yay me?
I digress, today is day 19 and the 30 day committee asks for me to list Plans, Dreams, and Goals that I have.
Didn't they ask me this already?! like on the second or third day?! BAH! HURRUMPH! and all those other sputtering sounds of indignation. I'm no good with these things. I live by the hour and maybe dip my toes in the water of tomorrow and next week from time to time. Meh.
Plans: I plan on getting a job at some point.
Finishing the dress project I want to do even if it's by hand.
Making my mom and my sister's christmas presents (ha! we'll see how that turns out).
I also plan on losing the extra 15 pounds I put on in order to to raise the chances of getting pregnant. It didn't work so it's got to go.
Dreams: Actually I had a really weird dream night before last. Jex and I were on our dream vacation to Ireland. We found a little known historical site and decided to join one of the tours. It was a rocked house with a thatched roof that was almost one room. The windows were open and let light stream in those awesome looking rays. One window was called the Spider window, there had always been a large spider that made her home there until the last few years. Beside that window on a pedestal was a carved stone that was in the shape of a narrow pyramid. A 'do not touch' sign was hung around it. The celtic carvings were worn down, I supposed from people touching the stone so much for good luck. Then I noticed it wasn't so much wear, though there was a lot of that, but dirt that had filled all the carved lines and curves. When I pointed it out to the director she was flabbergasted. I offered to clean it for free since none of the workers wanted to touch the stone. Apparently it wasn't the kind of luck they particularly wanted.
Jex had picked up a tiny little harp and decided to play it for me while I cleaned the stone. I can still remember the tune. And while he played a really pretty garden spider (you know, the black and yellow ones) began weaving a web in the once abandoned 'spider window'. It reminded me of a mix of ballet and cirque du soleil (I think I spelled that right) as the spider jumped and weaved in the rays that the sun streamed through the window.
Usually when I dream of spiders I'm avoiding them or running from giant versions of them or trying to keep my little brother from dying because he got bit by a radioactive one (nope no superpowers for the radioactive things in my dreamworld... just death) so the peaceful feeling with the dream was really unexpected.
Goals: Well... there's a basket ball goal down the street. A soccer goal by the baptist church next door, aaaannnnnd... hehehe. Just kidding.
I guess my goal is to be less hard on myself. I don't know if I've ever talked about this here but I'm actually a really negative person when it comes to myself. For some reason God only knows I don't give myself any room for being human. I either pass or fail and more often than not it's fail.
But then if things go really well and I'm really happy for more than a few days I flip out and have a panic attack before falling into what Jex calls my 'pit'. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll have to start taking meds because EVERY WOMAN IN MY FAMILY is on them for either depression or anxiety. And I refuse. I hate medication. I'll drink a special tea every morning or eat more soy or fish (eeeewwwww) but I'm not swallowing a pill. Nope. Nuh uh. Not happening.
So.... Be less hard on myself/skitzo. And figure out what the difference between a Plan and a Goal is. Because to me they're pretty much the same thing.