Thursday, October 1, 2015

Shooting Myself in the Face

Maybe that's what I'm doing with this post. Who knows. With this issue of 'transgender identity' becoming a HUGE thing over the past few years over media and social networks I've been doing my best to duck my head and steer clear. Everyone has an opinion, that's their right, and people will do what people will do. I guess I only decided to speak up after that video with the 14 year old getting estrogen patches that haven't been properly tested for a 14 year old to use; and all the side effects that can come from pumping a little body full of hormones that can lead to real health issues later in life.

I guess to me it's no longer an opinion thing, it's turning into a health and safety thing. So here are my two cents. Here, I'll shoot myself in the face.

I identify as 'me.' It has never been about how the inside and outside have been incongruous. I am a woman physically. I grew up wanting both baby dolls and action figures. Micromachines were the best thing ever invented and Legos, oh my god the Legos! I wanted a lot of things and was told they were for 'boys.' Brownies (girl scouts) was probably the most boring thing I ever forced myself to do. And yet I make quilts for babies and am fiercely maternal.

I am simply who I am. A lot of things about me are masculine. I carry the need to be emotionally aloof, to be strong (by being strong I mean not crying). I carry the need to use my head equally with my heart, not one over the other. Hell, we even joke about me being the man in the relationship. You will never hear me say "honey we need to talk" and you will totally see me cringe when my husband says that to me. I prefer pants and jeans, and it doesn't hurt my feelings when I get grease in my hair. I feel like makeup can be a form of black magic, I'll never ever try that hard nor apologize for not liking to have my nails done. There are few female stereotypes that I fit into, and that's never upset me, it's never made me feel that I was 'made wrong' or 'put in the wrong body.'

There was a time in middle school I wished with all my heart I was a boy. Honestly, with the wisdom of hindsight, it was because I just wanted to fit in so badly and didn't. The boys saw my body and couldn't get passed that I was a 'girl' not 'one of them.' We won't talk about the girls and what they thought of me.
It was only when I let go of this need to fit into a mold that I finally felt free, not cutting my hair (which I've done), wearing masculine clothing (which I still do), talking in a deep voice, and getting testosterone fed to me to fit into a different mold. I AM ME! My body is mine, my mind is mine, and you can boil your head if you think there's something wrong with that.

I'm about to have a kid, which is freaking amazing! If this kid is a boy who loves dresses and high heels and makeup I'm not going to assume anything. He might like colors, patterns, and textures; lets face it guys clothing hasn't changed in... ages... and it can be quite boring.
Also, have you seen the things men wore in the Victorian era and just before the french revolution. Did you know that high-heels were originally a MASCULINE fashion statement?! In Japan it is still not a big deal for men to wear flowers on their clothing. Pink is not a girl's only color in most of the rest of the developed world! (I could rant here forever, so I'll move on while I still can)
I'll teach him to sew and teach him that it's fine. If he wants to make dolls and paint their faces, that's amazing! We'll be making some dolls. If he's a boy who likes to make pretty things, then he's a boy who likes to make pretty things. It doesn't mean there's anything 'wrong' with him. It doesn't make him a girl on the inside. It's how he's unique and awesome and himself; he should never apologize for liking certain colors or games. He should never feel like he's failing as a boy because he doesn't care about foot ball or feel the need to hide how he feels.

I don't get it! Are we so narrow minded a people that in trying to shatter these outdated ideals of 'masculine' and 'feminine' that we are grinding them in harder than we ever have before? Why does our 'sexuality' matter so much that we mark 11 year olds, 11 YEAR OLDS!!! as gay or straight or bi. They shouldn't even be thinking about sex or what they want out of it. These are kids; and kids are notorious for not caring for or understanding a lot of the arbitrary rules of society, it's why they're so awesome and refreshing.
And here I see people tying them down before they've even hit the god-awful place where we wrestle with and start solidifying who we want to be as people; middleschool.

If there is nothing wrong with a little girl wanting to be an Engineer and liking blue, there should be nothing wrong with a little boy wanting to be a Nurse and having a favorite flower. We shouldn't be thinking about these things in a way that makes people so very uncomfortable with themselves that they think there is something fundamentally wrong with how they were built!!!

I will highfive the guy who has balls enough to wear a dress to WalMart and it would never occur to me to label him as anything other than "A guy lost a bet, or likes that dress." If my husband told me that he'd feel loved if I bought him flowers once in a while the dude will be getting flowers! Why is who we are personally tied so close to what we are physically? Who decided that? It wasn't me.
In my mind it shouldn't be you, either.

So, I will probably continue to be flummoxed and frustrated by anything that pops up about transgender issues. Because dammit don't shove me into your box!

Maybe if our hearts were a little lighter these things wouldn't have grown to the proportions they have. Till next time my lovelies~

1 comment:

  1. Hi Ashley, OMG you are a mom! Boy/girl? Name? Congrats. That's really exciting. You make a lot of good points here. You know, I feel like people have their hearts in the right places. They think of themselves when they were young or they think of a friend who's bi or gay, and they remember what they went through and they are, by God, going to support their child, and other people are, too. Yes, might be jumping the guy in some cases, but it comes from a place of love and acceptance. It doesn't come from a place of hate and to me, that's
    progress. Have you ever heard the song, "When I was a Boy" by Dar Williams? Your post reminds me of that song a bit. Anyways-happy Easter and again, congratulations.