hot knives and 0 stupid 30

Of Hot Knives...

My husband is a genius, but I swear he forgets that sometimes.
While playing with a candle he lit his knife on fire... put it out... noticed how hot it was, and with a rakish grin promptly folded it and stuck it, hot metal against his skin, in it's usual place on his waistband.
I'd like to think of myself as a good wife. In my concern for my husband's well being I ran and got a cup of cold water to cool the metal so it wouldn't burn a hole in his side.
He didn't want me to save him. But damnit I was going to. So I chased him into the bathroom where I promptly had my helping hand slammed in the door. No really he crushed the cup and the knuckles on my palm when I was intelligent enough to think I could splash him and retract my hand before doom ensued. Weird thing is, though it hurts like hell, there's not a single mark to show that love hurts... especially when it closes doors on you.

And 0 Stupid 30...

Assbreaker Tony, one of my 2 father-in-law's, just got out of heart surgery. He had to have 5 bypasses done. Yeah, I thought the max anyone could ever need was 4, shows you what I know about the cardiovascular system and procedures.
The night before we went to visit him in the hospital I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like I was suffocating. Got over it after Jex so sweetly opened the windows and turned on the fan.

Assbreaker Tony is doing ok surgery wise, no complications of a life threatening nature have arisen. Unfortunately he's having a lot of pain and his blood oxygen is a little lower than the doctors want. As far as I know he's still in ICU and will be till further notice. Which is driving him insane.

Knowing he's in no real danger we got back to Podunk from Atlanta near midnight. I was so tired. So tired that my usual 30-90 minute wind down time before I got to blissful sleep was cut down to 3 or less. Yeah.
But wouldn't you know that my body hates me? It does. Because I woke up at 0 stupid 30! 4:30 AM! What the crap is that?! Nothing is on TV at 0 stupid 30, we don't have internet at the house most the time, it's too dark for me to feel comfortable walking by myself in the wooded outskirts of Podunk. I ended up taking that walk anyways all 5k of it, and I stopped to pet every dirty country dog that wagged it's tail at me, and at every black berry bramble on the way to steal some of the juicier berries from the birds.

It's not even noon yet and I've been up for 6 hours. This feels so weird.

He says: I've still got it.

But I'm only 23!

Yesterday was awesome. I got offered a job AND was respectfully almost asked out by a marine. I love the library!
Anyways, though those were awesome, Mr. Marine said something that kind of caught me off guard and made me wonder wether or not I looked old.

Mr Marine: "Are you married?"

Ashes: "Yes!" *happy face*

Mr Marine: "Damn.... I was going to ask you out."

Ashes: "Oh. Well thank you, I'm flattered."

Mr Marine: "Well, you've still got it."

I've still got what? Is getting married supposed to make me instantly frumpy? Maybe he thought I was actually in my 30's? Oh no! I'll be 30 in 7 more years... Am I going to be that lady who's 40 and everyone thinks I'm my own children's grandmother?! My tiny little vanity had a hissy fit, and I asked Jex if I looked old. He just looked at me like I'd swallowed a whole watermelon and told me I was rediculous.

Then I went back to the thought of marriage making one frumpy and unhappy. Is that really what happens? If it is, that's actually kind of sad. "Yay! I found the ONE and I'm going to be with him forever... yay... oh god..." *instant frump*
Whatever it is I was supposed to lose and to what, I'm still slightly confused. But that doesn't change the fact that I still have IT. Whatever IT is. (^_^)

Observations of a Life half lived

Observation # 49: It doesn't matter how much the kid does or doesn't weigh, knees and elbows still hurt like a mo'fo'.

Ashes vs the Bugs: round 2

Most of you know about my encounters with Scorpions.

Well, I haven't seen a single scorpion in nearly a week or so. None have been hiding out in my shoes or crawling around in my bedding or anything! It's been great!

However with the advent of summer a new problem has arisen. Sink gnats, beetles, giant ants, and along with them spiders. Maybe it's because I've never really lived in the American Countryside (though I totally count Alsdorf and Wolsfeld as the middle of bloody nowhere Germany) so I'm not used to this kind of stuff, or maybe I just need to call the Orkin Man for my brother in law. Either way I found out that stepping on a stink beetle while cooking and having it stick to the bottom of my foot (uncrushed and with his little legs kicking up a storm) kind of makes me scream like a little girl.
Nonstinging things have recently started to think my body heat is nice. And I have no idea what made a meal of my waist line. But it had to stop.

Hahahaha! Lucky me Will found a secret weapon: moth balls. turns out they're not just for moths. They can keep away everything from scorpions to snakes and then some. And so far it's worked. I'm loving my clean creepy crawly free bed.

Ashes vs Bugs: Ashes wins!

Some Happy

Before I lose internet I want to catalog some happy.
And for those of you who know me, yes 0600 is ungodly early in the morning for me. The only reason I'm up is that I couldn't sleep all night. Thank you weird shadows dancing at the foot of the bed.

Anyways that's not the point.
So my best friend from grade school got in contact with me again recently. I'm going to call him Platypus here for the sake of not remembering what I'd called him the first time I mentioned him. (Okay so I remembered after a few paragraphs, it's CM... but Platypus is more interesting)

I'm so happy! We talked and I feel better than I have all week! (it was a rough one for both of us) And he said one of the most encouraging things I think I've ever heard in my life.

"...You get to curl up next to a man who loves you makes you laugh kills scorpions and can believe in a land where midgets steal socks and people throw fireballs at dragons
i'd say you got the best deal out there."

Do you know how good it is to hear some one else praise your man?! If you don't it's the best thing ever! And he's so right!

I am one lucky girl and I just want to shout out the internet that I'm so happy to be with Jex! So very giddily happy.
I hope this newlywed thing doesn't wear off, it's awesome.

Not only that but I have two of the bestest best friends anyone could ever ask for and then some. If my life consisted of only Jex, Platypus, Solace, Norie, Michelle and Fiero I would count myself the luckiest person in the world.
But I have even more! And the bloggers I've been able to read and interact with (Chicken and Dazee mostly) have been fantastic additions to life.

I know it may sound like I'm gloating or something. It's just rare that I have so much happy it's literally bursting out. I'd like to remember this moment.

Blessings and Happy to all! If misery loves company I want to spread Happiness like the plague.

Adventures in Wifery: Missing a Spoon

Recently I found this little jewel (and by recently I mean like 20 seconds ago) and I just HAVE to share it with you.
Will!!!!!!!!!! I'm warning you: you may not want to read this. And if you do... don't tell Jex it's up here. *puppy face*

This happened in February while we were living in a Mississippi hotel for a couple months. Jex doesn't do this often, but when he does not only is it the greatest laugh ever but I usually have something in my mouth and there's usually a mess to clean up afterwards.

*past Ashes (Rem) Talking in a mock brittish accent*: "Earlier my husband had called me to ask a question. His phone promptly died on him right as he was about to articulate it to me. At dinner he decided to relay the question. And it went something like this.

Jex: Ah, I remember the question I was going to ask you. You packed the soup and I didn't know if you packed a spoon.

Ashes: *thinks for a moment* Nope I kind of assumed there was one in there.

Jex: Yeah you do that, forget to pack silverware for me. Imagine how I ate that delicious stuffed roast you made me without a knife...

Ashes: *sarcastically* Oh I can't imagine. *takes a great big bite of dinner*

Jex: I had to cut it with my Penis!

Dinner went everywhere as I choked and he laughed with a cute little blush on his face."

The both of us are prudes sometimes and we're still shy about dirty joking with the other. Ah, the awkward joys of newliweddedness.

I'm at Daddio's again. I pray to God every time we flop guest bedrooms that it will be for the last time. Today was good though; I really wish I hadn't forgotten my camera at Will's (note: the picture above is from the last time we went to the lake right before Easter).

Abrigirl went on a walk with Jex and me. Now remember, our walks aren't short, nor do they necessarily stay on any sort of beaten path. At first she pumped her little 3 year old legs to keep up with us. Then Jex picked her up and stuck her on his shoulders (I don't think I've told you how attractive he is when he's indulging small children... OMG!).

After picking almost every flower on the side of the road we made it to the lake.
You know those really unrealistic perfect family moment's that are depicted on Hallmark Cards and in Hallmark Movies and sometimes on the girly cable channels? It was one of those moments. Getting Abrigirl out of her white butterfly sandals so she could splash around chasing green guppies in the water. Her squeals of delight at finding muscle shells and having Jex lift her out of the water onto the floating dock. And my most favorite thing ever, watching little kids mimic the adults near by.
Jex skipped the crap out of some rocks. No literally one of them was spinning so fast it literally propellered itself over the surface of the water instead of skipping (I'm so sad I didn't have my camera). Abrigirl tried to mimic his stance and how he was throwing the rocks. She figured out really quick what kind of rocks he was throwing and was picking out the best flat rocks on the lake shore. It was the perfect little family type moment. It was very fulfilling.

I don't like water. I haven't had a reason to relate the story as to why I don't like water, but I'm sure it'll come up eventually. However the place we visited today had chips of mica scattered all over the beach. It was beautiful.
Best part of all: I didn't get sunburned. Woo!

Dear...

Dear Hormones,
I do not approve of the roller coaster you've recently installed on my insides. Turn it off.
Sincerely, Ashes

My favorite Place.

I finally got pictures of my favorite place. Let me show it to you! (note: you can click on the pictures to see larger versions of them)


*ahem, pulls out dorky tourist leader flag* This is the river that Jex and I are going to float down some time next month after a good rain.


This is the hill we tried to go down to get to the river. Not a good idea if you remember.


I don't know why but I like this hill. It's right next to the only flat spot in my favorite place. It makes me feel all protected and stuff.


This is the entrance. It's a good half a mile away from the road, but I couldn't get any good pictures of the walk down. Just think fairy tale forest and it's just about right. Stupid sun messing with my stupid camera.


And these are the things I stepped on that scared the crap out of me. They're still there... I don't know if that makes me feel better or freaks me out more.


Yay! Favorite place!

Summer's Gifts

Mosquitoes...
I'm allergic; though not in the puff up and die sense. It's more along the lines of get bit twice near my elbow and lose 20% of my range of motion in that joint. A bite near the eye means I look like a lopsided goldfish (or at least I feel like one with a squinty eye).

Summer and Mosquitoes go together like Hotdogs and Mac-n-Cheese.

Bees...
I like honey bees. They're so cute! Recently I also developed my taste for honey (code for: my husband made me eat the icky sticky stuff so often it doesn't suck so much)so honey bees are that much more awesome.
So while driving from Will's to Daddio's when a honey bee slammed into the open window jam while I was cruising at not-so-posted speeds and ricocheted into my lap, not only was I heart broken that she was going to die, I nearly swerved into the oncoming lane; the thought of "STINGER!" screaming through my head. Surprisingly enough she slowly came to and Jex was able to send her back out the window.

84 degree weather that feels more like 104 degree weather...
Apparently while growing up I developed an affinity for cold weather and an intolerance for hot. Then again I'm pasty white with freckles, the sun is not my friend. Besides the fact that I'm a firm believer in 'if it's hot, take it off' and unfortunately there's only so much one can take off... and I don't plan on moving to a nudist colony. Wait, come to think of it.... nope still not moving to cali..er I mean a nudist colony.

Fresh Veggies...
Probably my favorite part of summer is the fresh cucumbers and wild onions that sprout up just begging to be made into a sweet and salty salad.

Slushies...
Then again I eat these bad boys year round. It is never too cold for a slushie.

Gardening...
If I had a house I would have a garden, and it would be the best dern herb and edible flower garden in all of north Georgia! Notice how I don't like growing things unless I can eat them. *haha!*

Sandals...
I can now wear my Zena sandals. Yes, I have a pair of knee high roman esque sandals and I love them. I'm so white I don't even have to worry about tiger stripe tans. Though that would be cramazingly fun. Comparing tan lines is to girls like comparing scars (or scrapes) is to guys... and I would totally win.

Get-togethers that aren't for family only...
I don't know if it's just a misconception I have from growing up so far away from most my relatives or if it's just from learning to be an adult while learning how to function in foreign cultures but most American holiday's are geared towards the family coming back together. In the summer though it's not about cleaning your house so that Aunt Gladys doesn't sneer at your 'dust and clutter' or 'making a moist turkey by God, to prove to my mother I can cook' or coming near tears when you accidentally burn the pumpkin pie... or the sleep deprivation from cooking ALL NIGHT. In the Summer you have your neighbors over for a glass of ice tea on your porch, because it's a nice day or to a little neighborhood cookout with a few families, my turn to bring dessert!
I don't know if it's like that everywhere, maybe just the south. But it makes me miss the closeness of overseas airbase communities; and 60's television shows.

Don't let the Bed Bugs bite

Dear Scorpion population of Georgia,
As of right now my bed is off limits! If I find another one of you creepy crawlies in my sheets again there will be terrible recompense to your friends and family under the rocks in the driveway.
You have been warned. ~Ashes

Night before last I got stung awake. I roll in my sleep and apparently scorpions don't like to be rolled on. My right butt cheek is red and swollen, itchy and burning, and I've taken so much Diphenhydramine (anti-histamine) I feel like I'm going to pass out any second and ; don't worry I'm still within the 'safe dose' quota. I've rubbed every cream I have that is for bug bites or allergic reactions on it. ARGH!

This is not a normal reaction to scorpion stings for my body. Usually it hurts like having a small portion of your skin literally smitten by some other worldly force of pain, throbs a little when it gets brushed or too much pressure, and that's it. Usually in a couple days I'm right as rain.
Have I mentioned that I would rather be shot by a repeating beanbag gun than feel intense itching? Well, then, now you know.

Later today I get to enjoy the fun of carrying Ollie the grumble cat in the car, applying for a new Passport, and cleaning the kitchen. Good thing it's raining.

She-ra! By the power of greyskull!!!

I will smite the leaky pitcher!!!

Alright here's how it went down. I make homemade lemonade the way a friend of mine (Missy) showed me how to. This involves real lemon slices, simple syrup, and honey. When the lemonade is finished off (about an hour or so after it's ready) I have a bunch of blanched lemon slices I don't know what to do with. I don't have a garden (because I have no house), don't know any recipes that call for lemon slices boiled in sugar water, and so I usually throw them into the tree line to compost and keep the opossum off Will's porch.

Yesterday I guess I suddenly became She-ra, because when I chucked the lemons the entire pitcher went spinning off into the treeline with them. The pitcher, that had already been fixed once due to a small crack in the side, hit a tree with a crack and spewed lemon slices like sticky round confetti. The entire time I just stood on the porch, mouth agape, with the pitcher handle still in my hand.

Poor poor pitcher.

Faces of the Past

Jex's computer is, for all intents and purposes, dead. I'm going to try and fix it but it looks like the graphics card has died a terrible and melty death.
So in hopes of saving the stuff on it all Jex's pictures from before we got married got uploaded to my laptop from the external harddrive to make space for his other stuff.... and look what I found.

Prom! Oh My Gosh! I wish I had a picture of me and my guys (Joey, Marc, and CJ) That would've been Sweetness! Not to mention blackmail for the rest of my life.

Summer and all that goes with it.

Dear Mother Nature,
Thank you for making spiders to keep the grasshopper population in check, and flies to keep the poo in check, and balancing out everything so nicely. I have no idea why you made centipedes (except maybe just to freak me out) but I'm sure they have a purpose. So as to keep them in your circle and not flushed alive please keep them away from me. Thank you, Ashes

I'm noticing that I have an affinity for bugs. We're not talking butterflies and ladybugs, even grasshoppers would be ok. We're talking the nasty creepy bugs. You may remember the scorpion snuggling up to me in bed incident. Luckily the centipede did not decide to snuggle up to me, he just happened to be meandering across the floor.
Having creepy crawlies find their way to me is such a normal occurrence that my dear husband decided to prank me... in the shower.

Jex: Ashes! There's a scorpion on the ceiling!

Ashes: Wha~! *looks up with fear and soap on her face*

Jex: *tosses a bit of twig that has the basic shape of the small brown scorpions that live here at the ceiling so it ricochets into the shower.*

Ashes: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *notices it's not a scorpion* I'm gonna kill you!

Jex: *laughs his way out of the bathroom*


Oh yes, I forgot my other blog is http://epicfailanoobstail.blogspot.com/ for the inquiring minds.