fitting room blues

Today I went Christmas shopping for some stocking stuffers. I'm going to print out some pages of cool stuff and have my family pick what they'd like for Present Day. I bring the stuffers because most people don't understand Present Day and get sad that I didn't give them anything on Christmas Day.

What is Present Day you ask? Present Day is the day after Christmas. Jex and I go shopping for/with one another while all the After Christmas shenannagans are going on and pick up stuff for half of what we would have got it for earlier in the year. What can I say; we're frugal.

Anyway, so the point. I like button up shirts. They're flattering on most every body type if they actually fit right. Which they NEVER do and like an idiot I still try them on every year come the holidays when they're out on all the racks look deceptively beautiful.
So here's my question: Who are they making mass produced clothes to fit?
Really, what body type/ BMI formula/ measurment combo are they going off of? Why is it that a size 5 juniors is too small for my big ass dainty butt but I can go and buy a girls 16 regular and it fits like a glove. WTF?!
I think that some one needs to tell me how to get a hold of big clothing companies so I can send them a mass printed letter.

The letter would go something like this:

Honorable CEO of [enter company name here],
I don't know if you've noticed but you're losing a lot of sales because many people can't fit into the clothes your robots sew together. If you have time I have a suggestion for button up shirts in particular. Perhaps this idea can be edited and used with a variety of your other products at a later time.
Make button up shirts that take into consideration cup size. Have S, M, and L shirts as normal but adjust for the varying chests that are trying to fit into them. Sm A would denote some one who's small and has a small chest where as Sm C would be one of those girls that despairs ever finding a shirt that will fit her figure.
I happen to own a sewing machine and know a few tricks to get stuff to fit me better, the majority of America does not follow this life style. Convienience makes money and it'd be really really convinient if I didn't have to edit everything I bought to fit my boobs.
Sincerely, Mrs. Ashes

Of course I'd look up more intellegent sounding vernacular. Probably bother Rachel over at her Chronicles to help me or something.

I was going to write about something else but now I can't remember. Probably something to do with the book store never having enough cashiers, ever. Oh wells.
Happy Christmas shopping to all and to all good deals.

Dear 13 Year Old Ashes...

I wrote this after being inspired by Cheesy Bloggers: because I can create entire mythical civilizations, anatomy, and alien worlds but can't write an original blog post.

Anyways, here goes!



To Ash, the Home schooler in Burkbernett who is afraid that the bars on her windows are going to be the death of her when the house caches fire.

Hey Ash,
It's you from the future. Don't believe me? All your Sonic Comics are in the drawer thing Grandpaw made you. Chance broke the super awesome rock perfume thing Cyme gave you and you just recently got a red letter from said Cousin that made you feel really happy and slightly awkward.
I have good news, I have bad news, and I have boring news.
The boring part is that I can't give you any advice in great detail. You know the Space Time Continuum and all that. I know, Lame. Can't be helped.
The bad part is that I have a few warnings. The Good part is you get some great first had advice!

Lets start off with the warnings, get the depressing part over with. You have a lot of hell yet to walk through. Most of it is hell that you are neither ready for nor is it of your making. If mom has yet to have that 4th kid take the time to go to your room and be happy knowing that Chance has grown out of the 'brake your stuff' phase.
The dark feelings won't go away. Keep up hope though, I'm writing to you so we obviously make it through them, and with most our sanity too!

Keep writing your stories. They're actually very good and if you don't finish them some one else publishes a similar idea which is totally lame.
You will find that forever friend you want so badly, so hang in there. There's no need to talk yourself up; they'll love you just the way you are. Yup, 'they'.
Pokemon may have ruined your name, but you get a way cooler much more fitting nick name later. For now just remember that Ash is also the chainsaw wielding, undead butt kicking, hero from Evil Dead.
You. Are. Not. Gay. The people trying to make you think that just want you to be as miserable and confused as they are! It's not a big deal that you don't really think any of those actors are hot nor any of those other dudes they keep squealing about. It's alright to hang with the guys, I promise.
Do what you love, play with Chance more often , and DON'T give up on things. I know this is a skill you've had to perfect in order to survive, but you'll hate that habit most.
When the Orthodontist says he's just 'polishing your teeth' he's a lying tart. That man will file your fangs into nothingness if you don't say "No thanks". Yeah, it sucks.

Enjoy the crap out of falling in love. Don't listen to all the people who are freaking out over it. They don't really know what they're talking about. Some of them are really important people to you and very very convincing. I reiterate: don't listen to them, it's a trap. Think of this time like a less obvious adventure, like a slightly less exciting version of The Princess Bride ('cept your way cooler than Buttercup). It's a good thing, I promise. Oh heck do I promise!

Finally, forget what mom says. She's just angry at something else; honestly you'll understand it when you're older and most the damage is already done.Sshe's just an angry person at this point in her life so don't take any of her yelled or muttered comments personally. You are not useless. You are awesome! You're wanted, needed, loved. You are worth far more than you give yourself credit for. When you hit your 20's you'll start to actually see it. You impact people that you never meant to and help a few get back on their feet. So look in the mirror and see how beautiful you really are and ignore all the doubt and fear that tries to convince you otherwise.
As much as you fight it, you are related by blood to the craziest group of women known to man and you will share some of their problems. Great thing is that we know this so we're able to fight off the worst of it. We are cool like that.

Let people look at you weird, dance, sing, laugh out loud, and remember to write down all the good parts of life too, so we don't forget them.

If you get nothing else out of this letter Ash just remember this: You are good enough. Anyone who makes you feel otherwise is either wrong or issuing a challenge... either way beat them at their own game.
With all my love and a big hug, The Future You who has a great life.

Dear...

Dear Hormones,
I do not approve of the roller coaster you've recently installed on my insides. Turn it off.
Sincerely, Ashes

ever queezy

Dear Tummy,
I love you. I also happen to love the food I put in you. Please could you guys start getting along again? Because your tantrums are getting really ridiculous.
~love, Ashes

To Eve with not so much love.

Dear Eve,
I have something to tell you. Although I'm sure you've heard it before. Honestly I really meant to be the one woman to give you a break but today and this last week have broken that resolve.
*ahem*
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! Was the fruit that shiny?! What kind of a woman listens to a snake with legs over God?!
Yeah sure, the legs were normal in your time, and your cautionary tale is probably why women will never listen to a snake no matter how silver his tongue. If you were still alive we'd have words, lots and lots of words, most of them R material.
With some pity,
Your very peeved descendant.