Friday, August 3, 2012

Fracking Weddings!!


Time to air out the dirty laundry I've gathered in the United Kingdom.

Frack you Delta!!! FRACK YOU ALL THE WAY TO HIDDEN VALLY RANCH!!! No airsick bags when I was thinking about wether or not to hurl on the nice scottish dude on my left or the weird man of unknown asian/indian decent to my right. Nothing worked when you sent me that stupid email to check in online. And why the flying Fish Balls would you give me an early morning flight?! WHY do you do these things to me?! I HATE YOUR FACE!!! and your food sux mega.

Dear Miss Wedding CoOrdinator, You ma'am need to find a new profession. Not only was NOTHING ready on time, you were never there when we needed something. I'm sure you could find a good job that has to do with looking the professional part. That grey suit was smashing on you with your severe bun and all that. However, when the bride is fretting over where to go before the ceremony so that the groom doesn't see her and jinx the whole bit because SOMEONE didn't set up hardly ANYTHING it's time to take that grey suit and walk it some where else... maybe the front desk or some cubical in some office building somewhere.

FRACK YOU BRIDES MAID DRESS!!!! As cute and purple and princessy as you are you have no right to cause friction burns on the sides of my boobs. Also, tripping me while going up the stairs holding my sister's train, not cool dude.

Frack you person who will remain anonymous for the sake of peace and tranquility. You know who you are. The wedding was not about you. Really it wasn't, and the way you tried to jump in the lime light really really pissed me off. Elff and BigBen will only get this day. If you could get your head out of your ass and take other people into account, not just put on that pretty mask your mommy helped you paint, and actually give a frack about them then maybe you could find room in your heart and have your own special day. As it is your heart is too full of you for anyone else, and I pray that you wake up before it's too late. Till you do, don't you fracking steal my sister's thunder or try and take BigBen's attention away from her. 'Cause if you do I don't have a problem slapping the stupid right off your face, and your sister's, and your mother's, as well as whoever else you charm to your side. Hell hath no fury, and sister I've been deeper into hell than you ever have, you have a snowball's chance.

Dad... I love you... your driving fracking scares me... thank you for not killing us. Really, thank you for not killing us.

Dear United Kingdom, I understand that you're having issues with debt and economy enfeeblement... but so is the rest of the Gaia Smacking world!!! There is no reason, NO FRACKING REASON that you should expect me to pay 7 POUNDS, not 7 dollars nooooo, 7 pounds which is nearly 13 dollars, for a bloody keychain with one of those cute little phone booths on it.
Want a hat? No problem that'll be your left arm. Ohhhh, you want something to commemorate the fact that you were here during the diamond jubilee for the queen, the Olympics, aaaand your sisters fairytail flogging wedding? That'll be you're first born son and you're husbands thumbs... no we don't take american express.

Frack you Timing. I want to punch you in the face. Our relationship will be forever one of hatred with little spots of love/gratitude. You're going to have to lighten up on me here soon or I think I'll have to shave father time's head in retaliation. And that's just weird.

Frack you brain. It's 4 o-clock in the morning, you can work just a little bit quicker. This is probably the last blog post I can manage for a while since my internet time and my life is transient at best when I'm in the states.

Frack you High Heels, I'm tossing you into the Hidden Vally with all of Delta. Whoever invented you was a sadist. Marilyn Monroe was wrong, or also a sadist. It's been nearly 48 hours and my feet are still crying. Ugh, why didn't I just wear flats?

Finally, Frack You USAF!!!!!!!!!!!! You're going to the Vally too! I want to see Jex sometimes. As it is I'm lucky to see him once every two weeks. You get him all the damned time! I just survived a Wedding! I deserve some hubby time damnit! I also survived my aunt for a few days, my squabbling brothers, and all the aforementioned fracktastic crap, on top of a super shitty exchange rate. Oh and did you know that I've put in enough time as a military dependent to get some leave? Yup, I'm cashing that in for Jex time, so hand him the frack over!
(note: Some units allow their members to cash in their leave/vacation time for pay instead. Hence my comment. Just in case you didn't know.)

The Light Heart Lives Long.... and mine is now considerably lighter.

1 comment:

  1. OMG, so sorry it took me so long. The last week has been so freaking weird.

    First of all, I love your road sign. too awesome

    I so wish I had been there with you. I would have totally come unglued with the planner and whoever thought the day was all about them. Yeah, You got it. Next time, I'll go. Well that is if you are paying and you tell me in enough time to get a passport.

    My dad is a worse driver than your dad. yeah, I said it.