I think a lot, and deeply. Often times this thoughts come and go like the ebb and flow of the sea, normal, daily, beautiful but ultimately nothing noteworthy. Today though I happened to catch a snap shot of something I hadn't noticed before, where my waters gravitate.
For the most part my peers make me nervous. I've never really fit in here, be it when I was a teenager, now, even when I was a small child. I gravitate towards those wiser than me. Maybe it's because my grandparents are the age of most my friends great grandparents. (My Grandpa is with God, and my Grandma is 85, yeah) The cousins I spent the most time with are 14 years older than me. Maybe it's because I had so much responsibility as a kid. Whatever reason I feel more at ease listening to an older woman than trying to key up a conversation with some 20 something woman.
Maybe it's because they have so much more to say. Not more as in quantity (oh god no) but everything they say is seasoned with time and the deepness that comes from fighting back at everything life threw at them so that they could stand were they are now. These women, with their battle scarred hearts, faces lined with laughter and the ghosts of frustration, and eyes so full of a kind of understanding I can't fathom at this point in my life are my hope, my heroines.
To see them I know that I don't have to become my mother, or my aunt, or any other female relative that I can get through this as Ashes. That whatever grips me in the middle of the night and doesn't let go will one day be little more than a brief annoyance. As they stand their ground and tell their stories I have hope that one day I can stand with them in that glowing grace that wiser older women have about them. Maybe I can be some young woman's hope when she feels like the world is going to eat her alive no matter how hard she tries or how fast she runs. When all the personal hell has been trudged through, step by burning step, I'll stand on the other side like high quality gold.
I've been kind of lonely lately. After moving back to the states I've had a lot of transitions to make, and maybe I won't be able to let go of some of the things I miss most. One of them being the inclusion the older women on the Airbase gave me while over seas.
Mrs. Hillary Detmers, Mrs. Rhonda, Mrs. Maisha, Akiko-san, Grandma, Cyme, I miss you guys.
Chicken, Queen, Dazee, and Mama Fargo thanks for being on the internet and sharing your stories with the rest of us. God knows us confused little girls need some one worth looking up to for the important things.
I haven't completely tuned out the awesome bloggers close to my age group, I love you blogger chicks too! But this was mostly an ode to our 'big sisters' on blogger.