Shooting Myself in the Face

Maybe that's what I'm doing with this post. Who knows. With this issue of 'transgender identity' becoming a HUGE thing over the past few years over media and social networks I've been doing my best to duck my head and steer clear. Everyone has an opinion, that's their right, and people will do what people will do. I guess I only decided to speak up after that video with the 14 year old getting estrogen patches that haven't been properly tested for a 14 year old to use; and all the side effects that can come from pumping a little body full of hormones that can lead to real health issues later in life.

I guess to me it's no longer an opinion thing, it's turning into a health and safety thing. So here are my two cents. Here, I'll shoot myself in the face.

I identify as 'me.' It has never been about how the inside and outside have been incongruous. I am a woman physically. I grew up wanting both baby dolls and action figures. Micromachines were the best thing ever invented and Legos, oh my god the Legos! I wanted a lot of things and was told they were for 'boys.' Brownies (girl scouts) was probably the most boring thing I ever forced myself to do. And yet I make quilts for babies and am fiercely maternal.

I am simply who I am. A lot of things about me are masculine. I carry the need to be emotionally aloof, to be strong (by being strong I mean not crying). I carry the need to use my head equally with my heart, not one over the other. Hell, we even joke about me being the man in the relationship. You will never hear me say "honey we need to talk" and you will totally see me cringe when my husband says that to me. I prefer pants and jeans, and it doesn't hurt my feelings when I get grease in my hair. I feel like makeup can be a form of black magic, I'll never ever try that hard nor apologize for not liking to have my nails done. There are few female stereotypes that I fit into, and that's never upset me, it's never made me feel that I was 'made wrong' or 'put in the wrong body.'

There was a time in middle school I wished with all my heart I was a boy. Honestly, with the wisdom of hindsight, it was because I just wanted to fit in so badly and didn't. The boys saw my body and couldn't get passed that I was a 'girl' not 'one of them.' We won't talk about the girls and what they thought of me.
It was only when I let go of this need to fit into a mold that I finally felt free, not cutting my hair (which I've done), wearing masculine clothing (which I still do), talking in a deep voice, and getting testosterone fed to me to fit into a different mold. I AM ME! My body is mine, my mind is mine, and you can boil your head if you think there's something wrong with that.

I'm about to have a kid, which is freaking amazing! If this kid is a boy who loves dresses and high heels and makeup I'm not going to assume anything. He might like colors, patterns, and textures; lets face it guys clothing hasn't changed in... ages... and it can be quite boring.
Also, have you seen the things men wore in the Victorian era and just before the french revolution. Did you know that high-heels were originally a MASCULINE fashion statement?! In Japan it is still not a big deal for men to wear flowers on their clothing. Pink is not a girl's only color in most of the rest of the developed world! (I could rant here forever, so I'll move on while I still can)
I'll teach him to sew and teach him that it's fine. If he wants to make dolls and paint their faces, that's amazing! We'll be making some dolls. If he's a boy who likes to make pretty things, then he's a boy who likes to make pretty things. It doesn't mean there's anything 'wrong' with him. It doesn't make him a girl on the inside. It's how he's unique and awesome and himself; he should never apologize for liking certain colors or games. He should never feel like he's failing as a boy because he doesn't care about foot ball or feel the need to hide how he feels.

I don't get it! Are we so narrow minded a people that in trying to shatter these outdated ideals of 'masculine' and 'feminine' that we are grinding them in harder than we ever have before? Why does our 'sexuality' matter so much that we mark 11 year olds, 11 YEAR OLDS!!! as gay or straight or bi. They shouldn't even be thinking about sex or what they want out of it. These are kids; and kids are notorious for not caring for or understanding a lot of the arbitrary rules of society, it's why they're so awesome and refreshing.
And here I see people tying them down before they've even hit the god-awful place where we wrestle with and start solidifying who we want to be as people; middleschool.

If there is nothing wrong with a little girl wanting to be an Engineer and liking blue, there should be nothing wrong with a little boy wanting to be a Nurse and having a favorite flower. We shouldn't be thinking about these things in a way that makes people so very uncomfortable with themselves that they think there is something fundamentally wrong with how they were built!!!

I will highfive the guy who has balls enough to wear a dress to WalMart and it would never occur to me to label him as anything other than "A guy lost a bet, or likes that dress." If my husband told me that he'd feel loved if I bought him flowers once in a while the dude will be getting flowers! Why is who we are personally tied so close to what we are physically? Who decided that? It wasn't me.
In my mind it shouldn't be you, either.

So, I will probably continue to be flummoxed and frustrated by anything that pops up about transgender issues. Because dammit don't shove me into your box!

Maybe if our hearts were a little lighter these things wouldn't have grown to the proportions they have. Till next time my lovelies~

Just around the Corner

Guys... guys... I'm going to be a mom. Two weeks from now it could happen at anytime and I'd be considered 'full term.'

I'm not freaking out. noooooo.
Ok so I'm totally freaking out a little.
Mostly because of how my life is going to shift. I'm afraid I'm going to fail at stuff, wifey stuff. My patience might die a horrible death. The dog might get really needy (I don't deal well with that). In laws that will suddenly feel more of a need to put their fingers in my life (so far they've been awesome, but there's this thing called 'baby rabies' and I fear this will infect them).
Everything is going to be just a little bit harder. Moving, travelling, shopping, getting ready, absolutely everything is going to be a little bit harder.

I don't even want to think about baby sitters and rates and money and school and, and... and!!! *deep breath*

It's not like I haven't LONGED for this day. There were times when we were trying to have kids that I broke down and cried because it wasn't happening. I really really want to be a parent. Maybe it's just because I haven't had really good sleep for a while now. Maybe it's just hormones. Who knows really? I just know I'm getting really nervous.

I'm also totally psyching myself out. There have been so many stories circulating around my groups of friends on the book of face about horrible things that happen just before, during, and after the baby finally arrives. I guess they're supposed to be inspirational stories or something. A 2 year old being struck by a car in a parking lot and dying, but the family totally forgives the driver and there's this weird happy ending scenario that I can't even remember because "Nooooo! not the baby!" *cries* Moms that have still births and how they overcome the grief. Horrifying stories of really bad OB's that do something stupid and kill a kid during birth or a C-section and that's why we need to over haul our medical care system or something. All in the last, month or so I think (I can't keep tabs on time), it's popped up and it's giving me nightmares and little panic attacks. *sigh*

It's going to be a change, regardless of what happens. No doubt my world will get spun on it's head. I'm told that it's an awesome adventure.

Till that day I'll try to keep my heart as calm as I can, because ~

The Hogfather

I knew there was a fantasy world known as 'disk world.' Honestly, though, I'd never pursued the series. The first time I heard of it the name didn't catch my interest. 'Disk World' uh... that's great.... ummm... so I think I'll go read about Pern and the dragon riders now.

Well now I'm interested. All because of a little web comic.

According to the internet the author is adi-fitri from his tumblr of the same name. I couldn't verify. 

This scene is supposedly from the diskworld book 'Hogfather' and I am now incredibly interested in finding and reading this series. 

For those of you who don't know I kinda don't like Christmas and I have a slightly morbid sense of humor. So the idea of Death taking over Santa's duties while ol' Saint Nick is MIA tickles me greatly. Also I don't like how people overprotect children; they need to have age appropriate levels of responsibility and consequence. 

Now to find a good used book store. And remember my lovelies~

Must be the Hormones

Science! It's wonderful, I love it! But sometimes it takes the magic right out of life. For one thing it makes love out to be a bunch of meaningless brain chemicals that alert us to a good DNA donor for the furtherment of the species. Bleh. Where are all the unicorns and roses?! I reject this!!! *laughs*

Other times it makes the intense reactions experienced by a pregnant woman a little more livable. What I'm crying, hard and loud sobs, over misplacing a book that needs to be found by tomorrow? This isn't like me, I'm usually way more rational than this. Must be the hormones! I love cheetos but they're full of hate and and give me the worst heartburn so I'm all depressed. Must be the Hormones! Exhausted? Hormones! Cranky? Hormones! Giggly? Hormones!
It's great to have a scapegoat that actually might be the reason you're acting so ridiculously.

Till next time my lovelies,
~The light heart lives long.

Fighting a Losing Battle?

As with any season in life there are good days and there are bad days. Only during pregnancy it's been very different kinds of good and bad days.

I didn't really think of a good day as simply being able to get the dishes done. Because I didn't have this evil thing called 'sciatica.' Before my good days were getting more things crossed off my list than were added to it. Now my good days are getting any amount of anything done.
It's been a lot harder than I thought it would be.

Maybe the Almighty has given me this no so fun pregnancy to get me used to being "even worse" than I was before. I cannot keep my house Martha Steward tidy, I don't decorate, and most of the time I'm doing my best just to find permanent homes for our junk. But the house stays clean. The countertops get wiped down, the fridge gets cleaned out and sprayed down once a month, vacuuming kept the dog hair down a lot more than I thought it did, and the bathrooms were always clean.

Now I feel like I'm "losing a game of Jumanji" as it was so aptly said on a meme a friend shared on the book of face a while back. I don't know how long that basket of clothes has been on the love seat. There are little tribbles of dog fur in the corners of the house, and we'll not talk about how long it took me to get the sink clear. Things are buried under other things and I'm trying my best to help my husband with his homework, too.

I'm not being lazy. I don't think. I changed the sheets on the bed yesterday and came up huffing and puffing as if I'd jogged 2 miles. I did dishes today till my back hurt so badly I couldn't stand any longer and had to lay down, then I got back up and did more dishes. Towels got put in the wash machine and I don't know if I'll be able to get them back out and into the dryer. I bent over to pick up stuff off the coffee table and almost threw up so I sat down and made little piles of what should go where just so the entire surface isn't covered anymore.
It's really hard for me because I have this 'works based' thought process that was ground into my little skull by who knows who. Probably church people with good intentions, most likely my mother who struggled with that kind of stuff, which was passed to her by her mother. Regardless of why I'm this way, I am in fact this way. If I don't do enough, if I don't earn my way, my right to be alive is suspect. I cannot be a failure, it simply is not an option.

And I look around my house and that's what I see. I see failure on all the surfaces collecting 'stuff.' Failure in the carpet that desperately needs vacuumed. It's in the bathroom sinks that haven't been cleaned out in only god knows how long. The mess in the fridge mocks my right to stay at home instead of going and finding a job to help with finances. None of it is right. I know that, I know I'm doing what I can in my situation.

It just feels like I'm fighting a losing battle. People have told me "Oh it gets worse when the baby is born." So, I sit down and cry when that thought crosses my mind. It simply cannot get worse. There are really only two options. Hire a maid service or shift my perspective. We don't have the money for the first so I'll have to struggle with the second even more than I have to this point.

Now, I make lists of things that I have done that day, rather than looking around and getting overwhelmed by what needs to be done. I do what I can when I can. I let myself take naps. When I realize I can't do something that day, like say bending over without throwing up, I find things that don't involve that thing I can't do. Most of all I'm learning to give myself grace, to forgive myself for not being perfect or doing near enough to be a 'successful' Homemaker.

No, I'm not watching youtube all day or giving myself a free pass to do nothing. Psh! I'm just not beating myself up if I can't do much more than get up at 0500 to pack Jex's lunch, or crying in frustration because pregnancy brain won't let me remember hardly anything anymore. I do what I can that day, I do it and let that much be enough.
It's hard, it's so difficult. But it's the first step.

My need for 'earning' my value through what I get done isn't going to help my be a good mom to this baby. It's not going to help me deal with marriage issues that come with such a huge life change. Having an empty sink isn't going to make my life better. Cleaner, sure, but not necessarily better.

Letting go of that driving insanity (dude, anything that sends you into a downward spiral to the point that you cry yourself to sleep is bad for you, trust me) can only be good for my family. If I'm more content my husband will feel like he's doing a good job (which he totally is). If the chores mean less to me then babybell won't ever feel like s/he is just in the way (which I've felt as a kid and it was aweful). If I can be ok with simply getting done what I can that day, doing my best that day, then whatever gets done will be enough and by my twisted logic I will be enough.

Letting go of this will lighten my heart, and as we all know The Light Heart Lives Long.

Babies aren't cute

Guys, I have a confession to make.

Babies aren't cute.

In the first few weeks of life, sometimes the first few months, I just see this squishy faced little glow worm. A little red human larva if you will. My brothers were squishy faced larva, my nephew (sorry Q you're cute now, but you were the froggiest newborn), I'm sure I'll look at my little bundle and think "oh your face is so... squishy. Don't worry, in 3 moths you'll be the cutest."

Very, very, few babies are born 'pretty.' But even then. Nope, brand new little humans just don't hit the cute button for me.

The best I can do is say "Oh he looks healthy." or "strong" or "ready for a nap." I don't find anything wrong with this. However I can clearly see that I am in the minority. Unless all ya'll are lying through your teeth when you tell a new mom her baby is 'adorable.' So, I feel this is yet another area where I fail as a woman.

Which brings me to an issue I'm not going to touch with a 30 foot pole.

So, moral of the story. If you don't follow a certain pattern of thought, it's probably not too bad of a thing. It may make you feel a little bad and 'off' somehow, but I'm sure if more people were more honest more often you'd find out that you're in good company. And most of that company is completely sane! Hahaha!
Or are we? *evil grin*

Till next time my lovelies,
The light heart lives long.

Baby Weight and Stretch Marks, Eeeee Gads!

Let's just start with the fact that I am absolutely loving all the positive body image stuff that's been tossed about on the internet recently. I feel like people forget to add the tagline *as long as you're healthy* but I guess the pendulum has to swing hard at first if it's going to get anywhere at all. So Yay!

That's probably why it makes me sad how absolutely obsessed a hefty chunk of women are about baby weight and stretch marks. How do I get my old body back? How do I make stretch marks go away? What diet, cleanse, wrap, oil, product, miracle should I buy to be what I was before but better?! 

Pregnancy is crazy; you don't know how your body is going to change. Chances are you'll have to combine a lot of advice and mix and match story bits from others to match what you will go through, and if you are blessed enough to have another baby that pregnancy will probably be completely different than the first one was. It really grates on our modern sensibilities, our need for solid, unchangeable courses of action. Our need to become this unattainable ideal of what a human body should be.

As women we have it bad. I don't know who did it to you, I don't know why they did it, I can't tell you when it happened to you, but I remember the moment it happened to me. When the 'self image' monster ate my courage and logic and left me with an issue I might have to carry and fight till the day I die. 

I was 5 or 6, my sister had just cut all the hair off my brand new barbie doll that I'd gotten as an Easter gift. As a poor kid I didn't get a lot of new toys, this doll was the most awesome and beautiful thing to me and my little sister had ruined it. While crying and yelling at my little sister my grandmother came in the room and tried to console me. I would not be consoled; I was justified in my angry sadness and I would cry! She turned me to face the vanity mirror over the dresser and said words that are burned into my mind in perfect clarity. Even now almost a quarter of a century later I can hear her voice as if she still had her head over my left shoulder looking in the mirror with me. "Look at that ugly face. A pretty girl like you should never make a face that ugly."
To this day I cannot cry in front of another person without hiding my face. I will run away to be alone, I will hide, I will do the ridiculous to keep people from seeing my 'ugly face.' If Jex and I are arguing and I get upset enough to cry I cover my face with my hands so we can keep trying to resolve the issue but so he can't see my ugliness. 

Pregnancy is the great inflater. It takes these things and makes them more real, harder to ignore, bigger and heavier than they are. Women who would like to have lost a pant size and eat healthier are now absolutely horrified at their waist measurement even though that waist has another human being growing inside of it! They loose their minds when they have to eat saltines and coke for a day because they're too nauseated for anything else. These perfectly sane women are distraught over the marks that will forever 'ban' them from cute swimwear for the rest of their lives. They focus so hard on the weight they're gaining (Is it too much? Too little?!) and the flaws they're getting, or might get, on their skin. It almost becomes an obsession. 

It breaks my heart. 

Baby weight and stretchmarks, the price we pay for precious babies, become scars instead of badges of honor or rights of passage. Sure, if we lived where we could afford good food and traditional diets we might not be so bad off. But the fact of the matter is we don't. We live in our world, however imperfect. We need to remember that a little extra weight makes our laps more inviting to sleepy children and comforting to our hurting and confused middle-schooler. We need to remember that our stretch marks are proof of our babies' life inside of us and the strength we had to carry them for as long as we did. We need to remember that we are human and there is no such thing as 'perfect.' 

We need to allow ourselves to be good enough and let go of the idol ideal that screams at us in magazine adds and covers, that people fight against in strange and extreme ways, and be who and what we are without shame. Doing our best to be better every day. To let our hearts be lighter than before. 

My mom's lap is a comforting place to be, she is soft and warm with arms strong enough to protect me from anything. Her stretch marks look like fire, and remind me that if she loved me before she could see me or know me, she can love me even now. 

Remember my lovlies, The light heart lives long. 

Pregnancy, the great inflater.

Not only does it inflate your midsection, your face, and your appetite for [insert random and slightly weird item here] it also inflates what you feel.

No kidding. You can expect to bawl over a happy cat food commercial for any number of "reasons" or laugh for 10 minutes about your husband's chest hair... because fuzzy?

What's not as fun is when you have a legitimate unhappiness. Like today for me, I'm really lonely. I miss my friends, my family, I miss fall, I miss my husband who is working his ass off right now. Everything, I'm missing everything that I could possibly miss. I want to go back 'home' to Wohlsfeld, I want to go back 'home' to Misawa, I want to go back 'home' to Charleston and play with the gamers and talk with Mr Scott and Ms Adrianna. I am legitimately upset and lonely and the hormones are making it hard to deal with in a very mature way.

I feel like a little kid. Pouting in a corner for whatever totally justified, totally childish, reason. It hurts my pride that I can't just see the feelings, accept them, shake them off and keep going today. Part of me wonders if this is what it's like for people who actually have clinical depression (I think a lot of things get misdiagnosed/ overdiagnosed but totally believe these conditions exist). It makes my heart ache for anyone who has to fight this stuff on the regular.

I feel like everyone focuses on the physical aspects of pregnancy. How much you'll throw up, gain, eat, weird hormonal side effects. Sometimes in the weird hormones bit of a book they glaze over depression and other emotional things that will get inflated. Lots of people are like: "If you feel depressed seek help!" but no one ever goes into detail and for some one who is usually very capable in dealing with these things it's really hard to understand.
Well who do I talk to? Why can't I just buck up and do what needs to be done like I usually can? When will my face be dry again? lol But, really it's hard to know what to do, or even what kind of help you really need.

Do you just need a friend to listen to you whine, give you a hug, and then go out for milkshakes? Or do you need legitimate professional help? Wandering aimlessly around a pregnancy forum, hoping someone will hold a conversation with you, trying not to cry because no one is online you feel like bugging with your negativity, and having zero drive to actually do anything productive, what does all that tell you to do? I think it could easily be either. I think that some one with these same feelings could need to talk to an actual therapist to find the root of the issue. I also think another person in the same boat might just need some ice cream with a friend.

It's so hard to pinpoint the proper response. So I'm blogging! Because writing is totally my coping mechanism and some one wandering the vastness of the internet might end up here and relate. I want them to know that it's gonna be ok. Start with that awesome sauce milk shake and work your way up from there. Pregnancy is a crazy roller coaster ride in one way or another, for some it's totally about baby weight and back pain, and for others it's all about what's going on inside our heads and hearts.

I think next time I'll complain about how obsessed women are with how much weight they'll gain. lol

The light heart lives long, my lovlies, it really does. (^_^)

The Weird Places I Find Myself.

Unless you've run across my blog on accident, just now, you already know that I'm weird. This weirdness plants me in some very hard to deal with situations. The most recent being that I wish I could find a doctor that spoke German so we could go over the German vaccine schedule. Then there's the whole "Germany uses different vaccines than we do" thing, and lets not forget that this is America and we have the best blah blah blah.
*cough*wereallydont*cough*
I am not an antivaxer. Do not take this the wrong way. I simply don't drink anyone's kool-aid.

It's really frustrating. I read this great article as soon as I found out I was pregnant on nutrition and exercise for pregnancy. It was concise, easily understandable, and sited research for every suggestion. It also suggested a glass of red wine and/or a dark beer at least once a week for mineral content. And it's not like I can just print it out and take it with me to my next appointment. They can't read it, they're not going to take my word for it, and google-translate is awefulsauce. I'm going to say "a glass of dark beer" and they're going to put the breaks on and give me some CDC report filled with fetal alcohol syndrome horror stories. Not my midwives, they're awesome, but most of the medical professionals I've met are really uptight about that kind of stuff.

I have never been so flustered. Even when I first moved back to the States and was struggling with our Bi-Polar societal norms (still working on finding all the invisible lines) I wasn't this flustered. At least then I could talk to some one and explain myself. I didn't need to prove that in Japan you take your shoes off by the door to keep the inside of your house clean. That was one google search away, and in English. Medical studies, not so much.

But hey! At least I found integrated medicine while on this wild goose chase. Maybe the pediatrician I choose will let me translate some of the stuff for him/her and happiness and rainbows.... hey I can be optimistic.

Scenes from a Marriage

You get two scenes today! Lucky you; either that or Jex has just been extra silly lately.

Scene 1: In the living room. I have just eaten the last of my expensive, but totally worth it, Bubbies pickles (they don't have corn syrup in them or vinegar, they are ligit pickles). The jar mostly full of brine sits on our rad new coffee table.

Jex: Pickle juice is ok to drink right?
Me: Yeah, it's just salt and water. Maybe some spices.
Jex: So it's like Gatorade but better!
Me: Yeah I guess so.
*A few minutes later while doing the dishes I hear this joyous announcement*
Jex: It's like a tasty ocean!!!



Scene 2: On the phone with my wonderful husband.

Jex: You have the cookie stuff ready for me?
Me: Yeah, it's in the freezer ready to be baked. How many did you need?
Jex: Not many, like 6 or 8.
Me: Ok, yeah there should be enough from the last batch of cookies I made.
Jex: Also I need you to find me a tupperware that has no friends.
Me: A tupperware that has no friends?!
Jex: Yeah, like one that isn't part of a set, and you wouldn't mind losing.
[I totally laughed at him, and will shamelessly continue to chuckle all day.]

Thoughts on the "Mommy Wars"

22 weeks! Yay!

So at this stage of pregnancy I'm trying to figure out important things like which pediatrician will treat me like a sentient being, if I should save for a pump, and where to put the baby gear. I do know that most my plans at this point will go flying into hyperspace as soon as the little human is around, but it doesn't hurt to have a plan.

One of the things I'm trying to decide is whether or not to spend the time to make a nursing cover. In this endeavor I have run face first into what is affectionately called 'the mommy wars.' Yeah sure I saw that formula commercial, but I thought it mostly summed up parenting forum trolls not the more reasonable masses. Honestly, I'm a little shocked at how quickly and sharply people get their nickers in a twist.
I saw a response post on one of those fancy popular blogs, about breast feeding with a cover and how the bloggess' children stopped tolerating it at about 4 months old, that was well written. The woman didn't point fingers or call names. She simply stated some scientific facts that she'd read somewhere, shared an experience she had with a nursing mother in a restaurant and her 7 year old daughter, and said that that she didn't understand why covering was so hard unless the kid had gotten into a no cover routine at home. Simple, straight forward, not trying to be a jerk. She had some 'scientific facts' and was trying to join the conversation. Nice.
Not so nice were the majority of the responses. It was like she had dropped a nice bit of troll bait in the comment box and they came rolling in from every corner of the internet. Some were trying to be nice, oh they were trying, but for the most part people just let their comments fly because they were confident and convicted. Being me I've been contemplating the phenomenon much more than I probably need to.

It frustrates me because I don't deal with this crap. Arguing over the internet is about as effective as writing a letter with an apple. Because of my aversion to trolls I don't feel like I can join any of these mommy forums (I'd get too upset at people treating others with disrespect). Which frustrates me more because, look a goldmine of knowledge and experience that might help me... but the floor is made entirely of fresh manure and broken glass, and wouldn't you know I'm wearing moccasins.

Over the years, and surprisingly mostly in the last 10ish weeks, I have lost a lot of my tolerance. Maybe that's why there are so many women who jump on each other when one of them states that something that's a personal choice is 'the worst possible thing.' Our tolerance for most everything gets eaten by our unborn children or something?
Really though, I'm kind of afraid I'm going to be the jerk. If it's the truth I'm probably going to blurt it out. I see it going kinda like this:

Random Stranger (RS): "You need to cover up or go to the bathroom, your boob is making us lose our appetite."
Me: *blinks at person owlishly* "Is this really happening right now?"
RS: "You should have some courtesy for the people around you!"
Me: "Like the courtesy you're showing me?" *looks down at nursing baby* "You could see more of my boobs in a V neck that what you're seeing now!"
RS: "That's not the point."
Me: "Then what is the point?"
RS: "Just please, cover up or go to the bathroom to do that."
Me: "Would you like to eat your meal in the bathroom?"
[this is where I imagine it devolving into sarcasm/ cursing/ or pissing off RS badly enough they either leave or bring restaurant management into the (non)issue]

I don't see myself as a judgmental person. My husband tells me I'm too accepting most the time. I don't really care if someone has an opinion different than mine (though I do get mad when people blow off strong evidence in favor of their own beliefs, that's annoying). We do our best to understand and move on. Even better, I have some one to ask questions of when I don't understand something that comes from that vein of thought.
Maybe it's a flaw, but the moment some one tells me that I'm wrong, need to be like them, and they're going to talk at me (notice the word 'at') till I concede to their correctness I turn into something straight out of Labyrinth; a sarcastic stone wall. Which will, in all likelihood, only add gasoline to the raging fires of the 'mommy wars' and that's the one thing I really don't want to do.

Till next time my lovelies!
~ The light heart lives long.

I really need to buy a new laptop.

I think I told you all that Jex's laptop got dropkicked by a teenager while we were in Thailand.... right?

Well it did, and it finally died. Which sucks because there's NO WAY I'm updating my blog via a tablet. Tried that business once. ONCE. Never again.
Which is kinda lame because the most exciting things that happen do not happen at home, and I lose the notes I take on the event by the time I get on the tower PC.

So to tell you all what I've been meaning to say here for a while. I'm going to be a Mommy! So look forward to human larva photos come November. Hooray! (unless something awful happens then expect lots of crying and not many posts).

No, I won't take back the 'human larva' comment. Human babies are born incomplete. They have a freaking hole in the top of their little skulls till they're, what, 6 months old? The internet says 9-18 months... which is a little freakier. So, yes, they are squishy faced cute little larva. Not taking it back~!

My larva is currently being called Babybell, because cheese! And is all kicky. Just had my 20 week ultrasound and everything is in the right spot; good heart, pretty spine, crazy weird see through ghosty ultrasound baby face. The Gender is a surprise! It's like an early November Christmas present. Hopefully everything goes swimmingly. I've been struggling with stupid long morning sickness. Thought I got over it, then puked up all the two bites of egg I had on Sunday.

I'm thinking of making an instagram and taking pictures of little comics I've drawn. Like my picture of the porcelain god (aka: the toilette) and all the ways my pregnancy books have lied to my face. I almost feel the need to write my own pregnancy book. I think I'd call it "Junkfood Baby: this book may not apply to your current pregnancy."

Anyways. That's what's up with me.

Jex is going back to school to get his awesomesauce Mechatronics Engineering Degree!

I was supposed to go with him, only for Mechanical Engineering Technologies (I wanna work on jet engines and really fast cars!!!), got accepted and everything but, puking and sitting in class for an hour and a half don't really go hand in hand. There's always the Harley school if all else fails.

He's really liking it, nervous about the upcoming English class that's all of 5 weeks long (yay Summer Semester). I think he'll get super excited once he gets into the core mechanical and robotics courses. He's already planning his graduation robot project. *laughs*

Till next time lovelies, which will hopefully be sooner than later,
~the light heart lives long.

Oh Winter, how I missed thee.

Not kidding guys. I actually have missed winter. REAL winter, not this dreary grey, bipolar, thing the South calls winter. The ice storm, while slightly inconvenient to cook in the fireplace, was pretty and made me happy. I loved walking around crunching on the ice and seeing light refracting from a thousand crystalline trees.
We ate Naan bread and cheese, apples with nuts and beer. No worries about going anywhere because at the mere mention of snow our town completely shuts down for days at a time. Unless you are unlucky enough to work at the Wal-Mart you got the day off.
A day to drink hot coco and play board games, in our case, by candle light. Sleep by the fire all curled up in fluffy blankets. It's what I imagine it's like to be a cat, and I loved it!

Now all the snow has melted. We have power which will be nice, till I get the bill. *laughs* I'm already missing winter. At least it came to visit for a little bit; even if it did cause more than a little havoc as it passed by.

Till next time my lovelies,

The light heart lives long.

Old Year's Resolutions

Ever have on of those resolutions you recycle from year to year?
Well, blogging might be mine. *laughs* Or maybe just writing in general. I made a deadline for myself and shared it with my friends via the book o' face and the first Tuesday I meant to have a piece written the power goes out in a 30 mile radius; with us just inside that radius. Fun!
I got to bake flat bread in the fireplace and we ate apples nuts and cheese all day, so it was fine. However, that seems to be the story of my life. Decide to do something new, have life slap that crap right out of the air.

I think starting a health blog would be nice. You know for people who aren't head over heels for this product or that meal shake. Where people who can't stand the abominations that are vegan cheese slices but still would like to try the vegan thing can find a recipe or five. Maybe it could even be a place where chocolate pudding isn't vilified, only put in it's proper place (delicious snack of occasion).

Aaaaand of course I can't think of a name for the site, or much of anything. I'm wondering if I should just dive in head first and flail like it did with blogging in the first place (okay so I still flail) or if I should take more time on this one. You know... the difficult bits of not having to worry so much about food and clean water.

Also, I might be going back to school for a nerd degree!!! Mechanical Engineering has piqued my interest; and the Jex is insisting that we both go back to school to get something other than an associates. So I might as well get to build a race car in the process. Right?

Remember,
~The light heart lives long.

ReAdjusted

We're back from Thailand!
I would've updated more often but our laptop got dropkicked by one of the students of the school we were RA-ing for. But we saved the pictures! Yay!

Readjusting to the U.S. is probably my least favorite of things. In countries where I can't understand a lot of the underlying meanings of certain phrases, or even the language itself, there's a certain sense of freedom. I'm happy to understand what I can, and hey that phrase is one a know! I'm so glad all the articles about popculture here have that phrase in the title! (think: "what happened next will shock you")
Here though I get a lot of the rhetoric, the use of party names to polarize thought, the sensationalist phrases meant to garner attention but actually breed something like animosity. Then there's all the stuff that happens in the government that I want to do something about but can do about as little as signing a petition and trying to vote with my money when I'm in the grocery store. I understand enough to get frustrated, but not enough to actually understand. It's frustrating.

Then there's the food. It doesn't matter what I eat, I feel awful afterward. It's kind of disconcerting that I can eat ethnic food like fried tarantula and water snake that's been sitting in a vendor's basket for only God knows how long in the hot balmy air and be absolutely fine but I can't eat sautéd veggies in my own kitchen without feeling like I ate a live porcupine half an hour later. *cries* Food is my favorite thing!

I gained 10 pounds while in Thailand, weird. So I've started this thing called PiYo that my friend shared with me. It's some crazy mash up of Pilates and Yoga. Jex calls it my yogalatte; makes me wonder if I could make a drink and name it yogalatte, some crazy spiced healthy latte. Hmmmm.
It kicks my butt.
But it's one thing in a series of things that is leading me to have a fitness blog/ facebook group thing. I don't think I'll be very good at it. Look at this post. It's been like, what, 6 months since my last update and I've been in the U.S. for nearly 2 months now.
Who knows, maybe with that, and finding a gig at a gym as a Zumba instructor I might be able to pull it off? maybe?

Anywho, Happy 2015. May you savor every blessing and be strengthened by every hardship in this year to come.

~The Light Heart Lives Long

I'm in Thailand!

I'm having problems with WordPress.
You see that title up there. Yeah. I'm wondering if that's why I can't get any of my pictures on the internet through the site.
Thought I would try here and let you guys know what's up.
Jex and I are in Thailand for a schooling/humanitarian mission trip. We'll be here for the rest of the year. Plenty of time to try and not completely slaughter a tonal language. (^_^)
We spent 21 hours flying over here on the 1st and 2nd. Yesterday was our first full day and today we're starting to feel a little more like human beings again.
Here we are minutes before getting on a double decker plane.

I'm not kidding guys. We had a staircase and a store in the back, which I didn't get good pictures of. But here's the plane. See, two rows of windows!

Some of my first impressions of Thailand are pretty standard I think:
Holy Crap there are a LOT of scooters!
I can read nothing.
These food portions are tiny.
Not spicy is still spicier than most the things I eat on a regular basis.

It kind of reminds me of Italy in a weird way. There are really nice suburbs right next to farms and little lean to shacks. Everything is cobbled together with really nice right up against really shabby.

We went to Walking Street in Chiang Mai last night. I didn't take a lot of pictures, we were both kind of jet lagged and out of it. But I did manage to get some neat footage of our "taxi" ride. I didn't get any of the more exciting parts, like slipping in between a pair of trucks and going through a red light around a turning vehicle and into on coming traffic. But I think you guys might like to see the neat little vehicle that took us home.

Today I'll get some better pictures hopefully.
Till next time my lovlies,
~The light heart lives long.

Stress Management

Hello, my name is Ashes, and I'm about to lose my #&%^!
That's kind of how I want to introduce myself sometimes. But I don't. I smile and make happy small talk and do my best to make every one happy. I think most people have some kind of mechanism we can call a "Stress Management Button". We hit it when we don't want to look like idiots, burden the poor cashier with our woes, or generally simply don't want people knowing we're drowning in a sea of WTFamIsupposedTodo?!

Sometimes we lose that filter. I seem to have misplaced my filter at some point on Monday and I would be pleased if I found it again. Yesterday and today for some reason I cannot find my Stress Management Button. Not that I'm going around screaming at the top of my lungs "Dear God Why?!" but I simply can't say anything to anyone for fear of blurting something like "I'm having a terrible day, thanks for asking." Probably in a snarky tone, as I crinkle my nose.

Because of this recent destruction of my calm I've been thinking a lot about how human beings manage stress. The Google has a lot of articles about 'taking time out for you' and 'making lists to help manage your time' and 'how to get back in control'. Nothing that will help my brain stop playing things on loop, or imagining horrible scenarios, or keep me from telling Jex that his Vulcan-ness is going to give me more work than anything else ever of all time.
I can't 'take time out for me' there's too much crap I need to do, I will not enjoy the shower/nap/game/downtime at all; actually it will probably key me up even more than I am already.
I've done the list, the list is what is stressing me out. It keeps growing, nothing is ever actually finished. And why on earth did someone write 'fix Jex's drivers' in that tiny space between 'check visa status' and 'find shot records'?! Is that what it says? All I see is a scribble? OMG this is probably a super important scribble I have to figure out what it says!

That's just it. I can't get back into control. Because if I would really be honest with myself I was never actually in control to begin with. I cannot control what Jex does or does not say in the most mathematical and unfeeling way. I cannot control that what he says may or may not make someone cry. I can't make the car in front of me stop slamming on it's breaks every time the phone in said car get's picked up by said car's driver. There is no law of the universe that will allow me to get everything I need done in the time I've allotted to do it in if any of those things requires more of me than I previously thought it would. We can't control our world, we can't control our peanut butter, our government, or the guy next door; It's simply not a possibility.
And that is why we're stressed.

We think we should be able to 'get back in control' of our lives, our job, our money, our refrigerator, closet, body, pets, children, cable package, phone bills; the list goes on and on. I don't know when we got this idea that we can actually control things, but there are magazine articles galore about the topic.
We can influence, of course. We can make changes for the better, make informed and wise decisions, we can guide our path, we can put forth effort. At the end of the day however, we cannot actually control anything.

It's hard to admit, personally.
Though now that I've written this out and taken a step back I feel better. I can't control what's going on; honestly who would want all that responsibility? The only thing I can control is myself, and even that control is a bit shoddy sometimes. That's fine. I'll learn from it, get better, move on to the next challenge life tosses in my face.

Stress Management looks different for everyone. Contrary to popular belief the Google Machine and the people on the internet do not have all the answers. I don't have all the answers; actually I probably have none of the answers.
I kept my mouth shut all day, got home and cried, then sat down to work through the problems via text. Read through the horrid stream of consciousness blather and streamlined my thoughts, let them less of a chaotic shape; this is my deep breath. Now I'm imagining myself as someone kickass like Red Sonja, She-Ra, or Wonder Woman (yeah her outfit is silly, but she's still awesome). Later, with those images in my head, I'll probably go on a walk. It's dumb, but it works. I think I can manage not to freak out when the internet gets slow, or crashes when I HAVE to email TIME SENSITIVE documents to someone, now. (^_^)

What does your deep breath look like? If it involves a hot cup of delicious you are required to share.

Till next time my lovlies,
~The light heart lives long.

Visas and Veganry

Hello my lovlies!

Jex and I are wading through the wonderful world of "Visas for a foreign country". It's awful! (^_^) no really it's not very fun. Mostly because the agency we're working for has to go through another agency because of all the hullabaloo with the Thai government right now and it's making everything take that much longer. Time is something we're kind of running short on. Doesn't help that they send us the Visa package on a long American Holiday weekend so I can do NOTHING to start the process till Monday.

That being said I'll just skip to the reason I hopped on the blogger (other than trying to find my zen because of the above). I want to share with you the Awesomesauce I cooked up a couple Vegan Vendzdays ago. Why not wait till Wednesday? Because I have no idea if I'll be running around like a chicken with my head cut off or calling 400 different people and agencies and dancing around the house to horrid hold music for hours this coming Wednesday, that's why.

Ashes' Protein Stuffed Mushrooms

1/4 of a med onion chopped
1/4 cup or a little less shelled pecans
Six good sized Stuffing Mushrooms or One Sm Portobello mushroom
Fresh ground Sage, Rosemary, and Salt to taste.
Coconut oil for cooking the onions.
about 1/4-1/2 cup of water for steaming the mushrooms.

Chop the onions coarsely and throw them in a sm pan over med heat. Stir every now and again, cooking till they're almost golden brown. While the onions are cooking shell the pecans or if you bought shelled pecans throw them in a food processor with the spices and pull the stems from the mushrooms (I saved the stems for omurice the next day, but you can throw them in the pan with the onions if you like. Just add a little extra oil).
When the onions are the desired level of gold throw them in with the nuts and spices. Blend away!
Fill each mushroom with the mixture. It should be fairly moldable, not super crumbly. If it's too crumbly to work with add a touch more coconut oil.
Using the same pan you cooked the onion in place each mushroom stuffed side down, turn the heat up to med and brown the tops, about 2-4 minutes. Flip the mushrooms over and turn the heat up to med high. Add the water (I use less water for smaller or portobello mushrooms and more water for white mushrooms, also less water if you cover your pan, more if you can't or choose not to cover your pan).
Let the mushrooms hang out for 5-10 minutes, serve warm with your favorite sides.

I pared our mushrooms with some garlicy green beans and pan fried carrots.
I'm also thinking about trying to make a miso version of these mushrooms.

Till next time,
The light heart lives long~

Lost in Space!!!

Maybe, I don't know.
I keep losing track of time, and objects, and memories, and oh my god did I feed the dog today?! It kind of feels like my brain has melted, or I'm going through puberty again. *shrugs*

Anyways. I think I announced on this particular space that Jex and I are going to Thailand soon.
We just got back from Storm Con last Monday and I think I've been fighting the germs of 500 people since then while trying to still be a responsible adult. I think so far I've gotten a C+ for my attempt.

So, Storm Con 2014.
Jex decided that it would be a GREAT idea for us to sell Foam Swords or 'Boffer Weapons' at the con this year because we were having LARPers this year and a group of Knights of the Fiat Lux (look 'em up, they're kind of ligit). It didn't turn out so well in that the con was on a UTA weekend thus I was alone running the damn table, and the vendors were cordoned off in a room away from all the gamers so we had very little traffic. But I did get to play in a Call of Cthulu game that was streamed over youtube (didn't see that till the next day, I really just wanted to play with Lance and Amber in a fun Cthulu RPG setting) where I totally choked, and Jex and I won a game called Belfort (so many tiny pieces!!!!). Oh and I LARPed for the first time ever! It was fun. The group wasn't psycho crazy or anything, they were actually all really really nice and helpful to the noob, it was kind of like RPing at a table but we all stood more and were in costume.
Can't find them online though, I'll have to ask the GM about it next time I see him.

Anywho, I met some super rad people I want to tell you about. I guess being a vendor is kinda like being a Gypsy, the moment you're in the ring of tables you're all accepted and stuff (one of us, one of us). I loved all the other vendors that hung out and watched me table for me so I could go to the little girls room. No really you guys are awesome.

Begin the shameless plugging!

The first guy who made an impression on me was this super cute kid (hell he might be older than me, but he seemed like a college student) who was running a booth by himself as well. He just had the best attitude. His name is DJ and this is his booth.

That's him painting away. He and his family will be at Dragon Con this year. So be sure to keep an eye out for them. They're stuff is really cool. They even have an Etsy store if you just HAVE to HAVE a captain america or galifreyan clock.

This was my sad little table. To be honest I had no idea what the crap I was doing. I think if Jex want's to keep doing this as a side job we need to make some weapons racks.

This is the super rad comic book guy, Jerry, corner. He let me watch world cup on his smart phone. Best dude ever!

He has a facebook page if you want to find something particular: Facebook.com/ParkCircleComics

These are the Impudent Mortal guys. I didn't get to talk with them much, they were on the other side of the room and I didn't wan't to shout over the Event Horizon guys. I did walk over to see their stuff though. They have some super rad buildings for RP and Warhammer stuff. 

You can take a look at www.impudenmortal.com .  No really their stuff was amazing. 

 This is Mia and Will. I thought their stuff was all one booth but I was wrong.

 Will makes these patches and cuppy things.

Buy his stuff on Etsy!

 Mia makes all this stuff. And this stuff is amazing. If I wasn't going to be near a Mitsuwa here in a couple of weeks I would totally be rocking that Tardis dress right this second.

 Mia will be at Dragon Con aswell this year if you want some incredibly awesome Nerd Accessories. Or you can visit her portfolio at: artwanted.com/miacorn Or her Ebay store.

These are the beautiful brains guys. They're business cards are also savage worlds playable adventure cards!

 You can visit them Here.




Last, but certainly not least are the Henna/Glitter chicks. They're only local to the Charleston Area, but they're work is really good. I forgot to take a picture of the Henna Desi did for me, but she free handed it and I was impressed, and I'm not easily impressed.

If you're in the Charleston area and interested in her services you can find her on the Book of Face.

Net Neutrality?

Hey guys.
A lot of you have probably heard about the issue with American Law Makers and Net Neutrality. It's hard to understand and there's all this crazy legal speak and internet companies assuring us that 'nothing will actually change'; if that's the case why are they even doing anything?

Here is an amazingly well put together bit on Net Neutrality and what little bit we can do about it at the moment by John Oliver.

I'm working on my comment to the FCC right now. I want to make sure I don't say anything that can be twisted around by lawyers. Bleeeeeh. If that's even possible.


Just a little heads up; Jex and I are going to Thailand in August. I'll have to manage two blogs, a facebook community page, and a bunch of teenagers.

Pray for me. *laughs*
No really, I'm not joking; I'm going to need divine intervention.

Till next time my lovelies,
~The light heart lives long.